Weaning Off Clonazepam = Thinking More Positively

I'm down to a half tablet at night now, starting today. I will stay on that for three days, and then I will be through with it. I sense the depression passing somewhat, but certainly not all of it. I was depressed before they put me on it, just not as much.

I've been trying to work off as much of my tension and fears in the yard the last few days. I've spread the rich composted "dirt" and planted Centipede seed there. I don't know if any of it will grow, but the weeds are sure enjoying the rich dirt. I can't very well pull the weeds, as the grass is still germinating. The idea is to let the growing grass choke out the weeds on its own. Since that section of the yard is pretty much finished, I've moved to a small section of grass at the front of the house. I'm wetting it down at night and then working on digging all the grass weeds out of it the next day. The hoeing is very therapeutic. It's kind of like a punching bag for me.

My biggest problem right now is that I can't get out in the yard without setting off a poison ivy outbreak, no matter how hard I try to stay away from it and bathe as soon as I come in. I've been super itchy now for some time, because I don't want to take any antihistamines on top of the Clonazepam.

I've been trying to read about Tardive Dyskinesia, which certainly seems to fit what I look like these days. I can't even spell it right half the time, but Google very nicely suggests how to spell it for me. If that's it, then I can add TD to my list of acronyms.

My mouth is definitely jerking and twisting more as the Clonazepam dosage is reduced in my system, but they have told me that there are other prescriptions they will try to reduce the tics and jerks, once I'm off this med. And I've started chewing sugarless gum a lot, too, as that keeps my mouth busy. I chewed so long last night I made my jaw hurt, but at least I didn't have my mouth pulling to the side and twisting all around. I will definitely be using this trick in public, as I am extremely self conscious about the way my face looks now.

Our wonderful pharmacist has printed out all the prescriptions I have been on since he opened his store some years ago. I haven't yet tried to track down where my records would be stored from the previous drugstore, but he suggested I try the CVS in a nearby town. We went without a drugstore at all for quite awhile there, as the previous pharmacist gave up his store to work for CVS. I haven't called yet, because it is likely a waste of time. But I will call. I'll just have to be in the mood to do it.

I've tried researching every medicine that I can remember ever being on, and a few are possible causes. But there's nothing to be done, other than try to deal with the symptoms. Tardive means it's a delayed reaction, so there is no med to "stop taking" to make the movements go away. Our family has always joked that an aspirin will put me to sleep, so I suppose it's not surprising that I would be one who had a delayed side effect to some medicine I've taken in the past.

I haven't been going to the Parkinson's forum. I just don't know what to say there any more. I guess I would still qualify for membership, since I'm dealing with a Movement Disorder of some kind, but I just don't feel like I fit right now.

Hubby has been a big help, and isn't mad at me any more about my reaction to the doctor's news. He's such a sweetie, and I know all this has been really hard on his emotions, too. I don't know what I would do without him.

I ran across a copy of Michael J. Fox's book, Lucky Man, at a yard sale not long ago, and I finished reading it last night. There were several things in it that made me feel better about myself. He talked about all the things he did to make his early tremors stop - how he tricked his brain - so he could hide it from the television and movie audience. That process of being able to temporarily stop a tremor with little mind and body tricks is one reason I thought I was suffering from a psychosomatic illness. I did not realize that at least some people with PD can consciously stop tremors momentarily. I have feared from the very beginning that being able to stop them for a brief while meant mine were not "real."

So, as it stands now, I don't have Peripheral Neuropathy, and there's no way of knowing if I ever did or not. I'm inclined to think I did, but all the super nutritious foods we have been eating for the last two years, plus the Turmeric and all the vitamins and minerals I take, just healed the nerve pathways.

Parkinson's is likely not the problem, although I have not ruled it out completely, as the doctor's always hedge what they say about that. I do have a Movement Disorder of some kind, and I am getting past the point of blaming it on myself. That's a good thing!!

Reading Fox's book helped me, so I hope that reading this blog can help someone, too.

Hurky Jerky Girl

My DH saw me have a full body Parkinson's tremor for the first time today. We've been around each other so little for the last few months that it took him by surprise. We've been taking turns during the day staying with Daddy, and I've been up here every night since Thanksgiving, so we really have been just passing each other. I had described one of these episodes to the Neurologist last time, and DH heard me, but seeing it is quite another thing. I think it scared him, and I'm sorry for that. For several minutes I look like I'm doing a Michael J. Fox imitation!!

It's just that my Parkinson's meds can't keep up with the lack of sleep and the stress level I'm under right now. I don't want to make changes in my PD meds, if I can help it, until this time with Daddy is over. I'd rather put up with these unexpected episodes on an occasional basis than to over medicate myself.

Daddy is very stable right now. He's been asleep for several days now, totally unresponsive, except for some indication of pain when we are moving him to change the Depends. His urine output is low (it's been a week since he's had anything by mouth), so we aren't changing him but twice a day now. The rest of the time, he's sleeping peacefully. He's getting morphine every 4 hours, plus a suppository twice a day with Atavan, Haldol, Benedryl, and Resperidol in it. Talk about Chill Pill!!

It's such a blessing. If I could order up the way I would want to die, this would be it. I hope for his sake, and ours, that he continues this way to the end. DH's Mama and Pop died fairly peacefully, but my Mama had a slow agonizing death. I'm praying that Daddy will continue the way he is now, until the end.

Michael J. Fox Ad Controversy Makes Me Mad

We didn't watch the World Series, but we did hear about the stink Rush Limbaugh caused when he accused Michael J. Fox of faking his tremors in a political ad he did, endorsing a candidate who is pro embryonic stem cell research.

YouTube - Michael J. Fox political ad

Fox News Story about Limbaugh's accusation

Michael's Response to Limbaugh

Limbaugh later apologized, but, IMVHO, that's just not enough to put out the fire that he started.

Fox developed Parkinson's at a young age, and he has a particularly aggressive form of it, as well. He's already had surgery, and you can be sure that he's under the care of the finest doctors available. Still, his condition continues to worsen.

For any public figure to go on record casting doubt over the reality of the severity of his condition is a disservice to all those who suffer from PD, or from any disability, for that matter. And to think he mocked Michael and imitated the way he was moving ... why that's just intolerable!

We all have our good days and bad days. Just because I've been walking just fine, doesn't mean I won't need the cane to take the very next step. That's just the way Parkinson's works. I'm just newly diagnosed, and this situation made me very angry. I can only begin to imagine how someone whose tremors are disabling must feel, reading about all this. I think I would be outraged.

One writer suggested that Limbaugh should make a huge donation to the Fox Foundation, if he really wants anyone to believe his apology is genuine. At least that way, he'll do some good and, maybe, somewhat balance the harm he's done.