Getting Back to "Normal" and Doing Some Soul Searching

I didn't have any lasting bad effects from the Physical Therapy last week, and my neck continues to improve. The pain is essentially gone, although I do still have some stiffness, and certain activities still hurt. At least I am not hurting when I'm doing nothing!

I continue to limit my reading about Parkinson's, but it sure is hard to intentionally stay away from Parkie friends I value so much. I had intended to stay away until I had the appointment with the Movement Disorder Specialist (MDS) in April, but I just couldn't do it. They are too much a part of my life now. If I am diagnosed with something besides PD, I plan to keep up with them anyway. I did stay active in the Alzheimer's caregiver forum I belonged to for quite awhile after our parents died, but I did finally quit visiting. Life moves on eventually.

I had another choking episode with a pill a couple of days ago that was really bad. That particular pill burns in the mouth, for some reason, if it doesn't go down right away, and it burned in my throat when it got stuck. I ended up with a very sore throat that lasted until the next day. So, again, I've gone back to doing what my Gastroenterologist told me to do. Taking the pills in apple sauce instead of water makes all the difference. I'm just being lazy, and dealing with a heavy dose of apathy right now. That's the only way to explain that it's easier to get a glass of water than to open the fridge and get out the apple sauce and a spoon. I have gradually stopped doing several things he told me to do, and I need to get back to the straight and narrow, for my own sake, and my hubby's. He worries about me so, often without good reason, other than he loves me. I must try to do all I can to keep from getting myself into situations like this that scare him so.

There was a post on Patients Like Me today that has me doing some heavy thinking. Basically, it was about how many Parkies avoid being around those PWP who are farther along in their stage of the disease, because they do not want to be confronted with their own possible future. I know I fit in that category, as I have intentionally not even tried to find a support group, and I have turned down some invitations to meet some online Parkie friends who live in Alabama, too. It's one thing to read how they are doing, but quite another to see it for myself. I know that's the way I would react, because I freaked out when I first looked at a free DVD I ordered that had real Parkinson's people doing exercises. I haven't watched it again. It does help, knowing that other PWP feel this way, too, but it's not fair for those who are farther along, who are missing the support they need. It's a reaction I'm going to have to work on, but not until after I see the MDS.

As it always seems to be, I get better in one area and regress in another. I guess that's normal for everybody, right?

Am I in Denial?

We had our usual Date Day yesterday, and had a good time, as usual. It was windy and cold, and I was bundled up. DH was in short sleeves, enjoying the brisk fall weather. We've always been at opposite ends of the hot natured, cold natured spectrum, and it looks like the PD is just going to make that worse :).

We found a few good buys, but at one of the estate sales we found one of those deluxe model walkers with the padded seat and all the extra pockets that really looked brand new. The daughter selling everything said her mother had only used it a few months, and that's exactly what it looked like. She didn't want much for it, as I've been pricing them, and I knew it was a good buy. So, even though I don't need it now, we bought it.

As we paid for it, she made some remark about how I was going to enjoy using it, and I replied that I couldn't really say I would enjoy using it, but I knew that I would eventually need it. My DH went on ahead to the car, so he could figure out how to pack it away, and when I caught up with him, he had tears in his eyes. I, on the other hand, was totally unaffected. When I asked him about why he thought it was bothering him so much more than it did me, he answered that maybe he loved me more than I loved myself.

That's a load to think about for sure! It did get me to thinking that maybe all my "busyness" reading about Parkinson's and writing this blog is somehow a way to block out my emotions about it. I don't know. All I do know is that for right now I'm honestly not upset by all this. It's certainly not because I haven't read about how horribly debilitating it can become, because I've read plenty of that. All I know is that I've laid it in God's hands, and I'm trusting Him to make the best of whatever happens. I do pray daily that my DH will find some peace about this whole situation.