Primidone is HELPING!!

I've been trying to get to this post for several days now, and other things just kept getting in the way. Also, it looks like I have good news, and I didn't want to celebrate too soon.

I finally got in touch with Dr. Watts' UAB Neurology team, and he sent in a prescription for Primidone on Friday a week ago. I took my first dose Friday night, and was pretty well looped all day Saturday, and almost as drugged feeling all day Sunday. But I was NOT jerking, and my hand was still! My walking was very odd, like I was on a boat or a dock. When I stood still I kind of wobbled, instead of shaking, as if it were slowing the speed of the movements down and increasing the amplitude, if that makes any sense. That lasted for several days, but then by about Wednesday I was only noticing the good effects. As long as the dose was in me, I did not shake, wobble, or tremor at all. Ignoring the slow walking, I was back to NORMAL! Even my handwriting improved. I was not depressed, but trying not to celebrate too soon, because the next step was to add a morning dose, and I wasn't sure what was going to happen then.

I started taking a second dose in the morning as well on Monday. I do get a little woozy feeling for just a little while about an hour or two after I take it, but other than that, it seems to be helping a lot. I have a slight mouth twitch today, the third day I have had two doses, which I did not have Monday or Tuesday. But that is the only symptom other than the slow walking that I have! I do have to be more careful with steps - it's like I can't tell where my feet are.

I am not depressed at all with the Primidone, the way I was with the Clonazepam, and I am very hopeful that this medicine will work for me. I am still doing research on this medicine, but its brand name is Mysoline, and its primary use is in controlling seizures. They assured me that there were no signs of seizures from my tests, so this is what they call an off label use of the drug.

This medicine has a very long half life, and that means there is still plenty of the drug in my system when it is time to take the next dose. Actually, when I was taking just the one pill, I took it at 7:00PM and it did not completely wear off until four or five o'clock the next afternoon. I am also on the lowest dose, so there is room to go if I get used to the medicine and need to up the dosage.

Did you see me doing the happy dance????

I am so thankful to God for his tender mercies!!!!!!!!!!

On Days - Off Days

I am definitely less depressed since gradually cutting the dose and frequency of the Clonazepam, but it has not been very predictable. Thursday I went until sometime after 5:00PM without any facial tics at all, and then spent the whole evening jerking like crazy. when I'm like that, my face contorts, my left shoulder jerks forward, and my foot dances a jig uncontrollably. I was on a half pill only at night then. Friday I jerked and twitched all day long, also on the half pill dose. I also had a huge startle reflex while we were out on our Date Day, something I haven't done to that extent in some time. Now today, Saturday, my mouth is all quiet and well behaved so far. I did not take even the half pill of the Clonazepam last night.

I had called twice to UAB, trying to get them to go on and send in the prescription for an alternative to the Clonazepam, because our drugstore would be closed from Friday evening until Tuesday. They did not get it called in, nor did I get a callback from a member of Dr. Watt's team. The receptionist did tell me on my second call that Dr. D was sick. He is the member of the team who apparently is the one I will be seeing the most. So, I have to assume that is why nothing was taken care of.

I have found that I can at least mask what my mouth is doing in public by chewing sugar free gum. I've always been a gum smacker, so I am trying to get out of that habit, and reach a point were I can slowly chew and control the horrible twisting, twitching, and jerks my mouth does so much.

The right foot continues to do its own little dance, which makes me feel unstable as I stand still or walk. Going up and down steps is harder when there is no way of knowing what my foot is going to do at the moment. So I am still using the cane everywhere except here in the house and at church. The few steps I have to deal with at church are entrances, and hubby is there with me going in and out, so I can skip the cane and feel a little more inconspicuous.

I should have taken the last dose of the Clonazepam last night, but I thought it would be wiser to see how I would be today, rather than being even more unpredictable than usual for church tomorrow morning. Since I've been OK today, it looks like the decreasing dosing was done slowly enough to not leave any withdrawal symptoms. But there is now way of knowing how I will be in the next minute, let alone tomorrow for church.

I continue to stay busy searching and posting on our Lost Toy blog, and have been able to help quite a few families, thanks to all the folks who read the requests for help and search for them, too. If you have never been to that blog, you ought to go read some of the stories and try to help them. It's a very satisfying feeling to help them. And I continue to add to our online Plush Toy catalog, too, so I stay very busy.

Oh, and I mustn't forget to mention that it looks like our Centipede grass is actually beginning to come up in the composted side yard. I worked for a little while this morning in between the shrubs and the driveway, digging that section up and trying to get as many of the weeds out of that section as I can. We can plant Centipede here until July, so I should have it ready long before then.

Take each moment as it comes, Rosemary - a lesson I am being taught daily.

Weaning Off Clonazepam = Thinking More Positively

I'm down to a half tablet at night now, starting today. I will stay on that for three days, and then I will be through with it. I sense the depression passing somewhat, but certainly not all of it. I was depressed before they put me on it, just not as much.

I've been trying to work off as much of my tension and fears in the yard the last few days. I've spread the rich composted "dirt" and planted Centipede seed there. I don't know if any of it will grow, but the weeds are sure enjoying the rich dirt. I can't very well pull the weeds, as the grass is still germinating. The idea is to let the growing grass choke out the weeds on its own. Since that section of the yard is pretty much finished, I've moved to a small section of grass at the front of the house. I'm wetting it down at night and then working on digging all the grass weeds out of it the next day. The hoeing is very therapeutic. It's kind of like a punching bag for me.

My biggest problem right now is that I can't get out in the yard without setting off a poison ivy outbreak, no matter how hard I try to stay away from it and bathe as soon as I come in. I've been super itchy now for some time, because I don't want to take any antihistamines on top of the Clonazepam.

I've been trying to read about Tardive Dyskinesia, which certainly seems to fit what I look like these days. I can't even spell it right half the time, but Google very nicely suggests how to spell it for me. If that's it, then I can add TD to my list of acronyms.

My mouth is definitely jerking and twisting more as the Clonazepam dosage is reduced in my system, but they have told me that there are other prescriptions they will try to reduce the tics and jerks, once I'm off this med. And I've started chewing sugarless gum a lot, too, as that keeps my mouth busy. I chewed so long last night I made my jaw hurt, but at least I didn't have my mouth pulling to the side and twisting all around. I will definitely be using this trick in public, as I am extremely self conscious about the way my face looks now.

Our wonderful pharmacist has printed out all the prescriptions I have been on since he opened his store some years ago. I haven't yet tried to track down where my records would be stored from the previous drugstore, but he suggested I try the CVS in a nearby town. We went without a drugstore at all for quite awhile there, as the previous pharmacist gave up his store to work for CVS. I haven't called yet, because it is likely a waste of time. But I will call. I'll just have to be in the mood to do it.

I've tried researching every medicine that I can remember ever being on, and a few are possible causes. But there's nothing to be done, other than try to deal with the symptoms. Tardive means it's a delayed reaction, so there is no med to "stop taking" to make the movements go away. Our family has always joked that an aspirin will put me to sleep, so I suppose it's not surprising that I would be one who had a delayed side effect to some medicine I've taken in the past.

I haven't been going to the Parkinson's forum. I just don't know what to say there any more. I guess I would still qualify for membership, since I'm dealing with a Movement Disorder of some kind, but I just don't feel like I fit right now.

Hubby has been a big help, and isn't mad at me any more about my reaction to the doctor's news. He's such a sweetie, and I know all this has been really hard on his emotions, too. I don't know what I would do without him.

I ran across a copy of Michael J. Fox's book, Lucky Man, at a yard sale not long ago, and I finished reading it last night. There were several things in it that made me feel better about myself. He talked about all the things he did to make his early tremors stop - how he tricked his brain - so he could hide it from the television and movie audience. That process of being able to temporarily stop a tremor with little mind and body tricks is one reason I thought I was suffering from a psychosomatic illness. I did not realize that at least some people with PD can consciously stop tremors momentarily. I have feared from the very beginning that being able to stop them for a brief while meant mine were not "real."

So, as it stands now, I don't have Peripheral Neuropathy, and there's no way of knowing if I ever did or not. I'm inclined to think I did, but all the super nutritious foods we have been eating for the last two years, plus the Turmeric and all the vitamins and minerals I take, just healed the nerve pathways.

Parkinson's is likely not the problem, although I have not ruled it out completely, as the doctor's always hedge what they say about that. I do have a Movement Disorder of some kind, and I am getting past the point of blaming it on myself. That's a good thing!!

Reading Fox's book helped me, so I hope that reading this blog can help someone, too.

Back to Square One Plus

OK, first of all the plus side of the meeting we had with Dr. Watt's team this week. My fancy MRI and EEG did not show anything particularly abnormal, and certainly nothing that I need to be worried about. The ultra strong MRI did show signs of several Transient Ischemic Attacks, or TIA, what many people call little strokes. The doctor said they were normal "for my age." (I hate to think I've reached the age where something wrong is normal, but I guess I have, huh.)

My reaction again is not what anyone would have expected. I guess I should have been jumping up and down with joy that I did not have a brain tumor, but all I could do was cry. The whole time he's telling me that they didn't find anything that explained my symptoms, I was jerking and wreathing all over the place. I asked him point blank if this could be that I'm just crazy, but he assured me that there really is something physical going on, they just don't know yet what it is. If I understood him correctly, he says in time my symptoms will become more obvious, so they can make the diagnosis.

The Clonazepam had already made me very depressed, so I have been way low since Thursday. They are weaning me off the Clonazepam, since it did not help, and it was making me feel so depressed. I think they plan on calling in a prescription and trying something else, once I have finished weaning off the Clonazepam.

Hubby was really angry with me Thursday night. We finally talked about it yesterday, although I still begin to cry when I do discuss it or even think about it. He was so mad, because he said I acted like I was disappointed that I DID NOT have a brain tumor or some horrible disease. I really can't explain it, but to have my body jerking and wreathing and nobody being able to tell me why is extremely upsetting. I know I should just put my faith in God, that this will either improve with time, get worse and provide enough information to make a diagnosis, or stay just the way it is now. If this is the way I will be for the rest of my life, then I am going to have to deal with it somehow. But for now, all I want to do is cry.

The only diagnosis they will even name as a possibility is Tardive Dyskinesia, which just means they think this was caused by some medicine I have taken some time in the past. Trouble is, whatever it was is obviously not in my system now.

They have told me for sure that I do not have Peripheral Neuropathy. I asked him if that meant the original diagnosis was wrong, or if it had been cured. He said it was possible that it was cured, but seemed to be leaning more toward the idea that the original diagnosis was incorrect. I did not get the nerve up to ask him if Parkinson's was ruled out. That seemed kind of pointless right now, since Parkinson's is so hard to diagnose anyway.

So, I'm left feeling miserable, with no coping strategies working for me at all. I'm crying even as I write this. I cried in church today. I cried in the car yesterday. That's basically all I'm doing - just crying. It's a grief that I can't name, but it's there.

Misery Loves Doesn't Love Company

I am so counting the days until my appointment next week! The depression level I am feeling is so pervasive that I am not fit to be around right now. Hubby is doing what he can to leave me alone and not trigger another crying spell. Or worse, make me mad. We had an actual verbal fight last week, which is most unusual for us.

I knew when I worked in the basement while he was gone that he would be livid when he found out, but I did it anyway. I just needed to be "normal" for a little while so badly that I didn't care that it would cause a fight. He won't let me go down in the basement, because he is afraid I will fall. We do have a horrible mess down there, that needs cleaning out terribly, and I am much more impatient about it than he is.

I hate depending on someone else to get something done that I should be able to do myself. I hate being sick. I hate shaking. I hate being off balance. I hate being seen in public jerking all over the place. I hate using the cane and looking like each step is going to be my last. I hate looking old. I hate not being able to do any work in the yard long enough to accomplish anything.

But most of all I hate this horrible feeling that they are not going to find anything physically wrong with me, and that I am going to end up on some psychiatrist's couch or on mind altering drugs. This Clonazepam is bad enough. I looked up the side effects, and depression and loss of balance are right there in black and white. I'm taking a med to stop some of the very things it will give me - doesn't make much sense does it. I still have the strong mouth tics when I am the least bit upset, and my face is definitely beginning to contort, with right eyebrow high, left eyelid drooping over the eye, and mouth pulled to the left. It looks like I have had a stroke, and can't control the left side of my face, but it's actually quite the opposite, the muscles on the left pull it that way.

I did finally recuperate from the left leg weakness and pain left over from the EEG test, but my nerves have yet to settle back down from the super loud MRI last week. I'm crying at almost everything right now, and can't stand noise at all. The loud TV commercials are bothering me so badly that hubby has started hitting the mute button when they come on. Last Sunday, for some strange reason, the young fellow who runs our sanctuary sound system had some of "his" kind of religious music piping in the auditorium before church. As far as I know that has never happened before. People were talking louder than usual to be heard over the extra noise. I sat there for a few minutes, and then told hubby we had to leave. I just couldn't take it. So, we were some of the first folks at our favorite Chinese restaurant last Sunday. I went to church that night, and it was fine. But that morning was horrible.

I am not sleeping as well as I was, either. Some nights have been good, but there have been a few of the kind I used to have, where I am up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I am not using the TAP, as I just don't think I can deal with it right now. Somehow I just have to make it through until next Wednesday.

I've completely rearranged one of the bedrooms we keep part of our plush lovies stock in, and I have worked some in the yard, trying to get the area ready to plant grass where I worked on the lasagna compost all winter long. I'm trying very hard to stay busy and focused on something besides me, but it ain't workin'!!

Wow! That was quite a rant, even for me!! But it felt good to put it down on paper and acknowledge it. It's real, and I'm not exaggerating. Hopefully, I will be able to look back on this post soon and be thankful it is all over. I always cling to hope, even in my darkest despairing times. God is good. AMEN!

I Have Been to THE Appointment

Well, we went Thursday to see Dr. Watts, the head of Neurology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who has a great reputation as a Movement Disorder Specialist.

We were both very impressed with how personable he is. One of the other doctors on his staff did all of the preliminary questioning and testing. He was very easy to be with, too. Most of the tests were ones I have been asked to do many times in the last couple of years. A few were different. They both had me make big smiles with my teeth showing several times, which is not something I remember being asked to do by anyone else, and Dr. Watts had me repeat a few of the tests the assistant had already done.

They also gave me the impression that my family history of neurological problems is an important clue - mother with Senile Parkinson's or Alzheimer's - uncle with ALS - aunt with depression, drug addiction, alcoholism - grandfather was senile, possibly Alzheimer's? Until they asked lots of probing questions I had never connected my Grandfather's behavior and my Aunt's behavior as being pertinent. That's why doctors ask things over and over, isn't it.

Of course, they asked me a million questions about what my symptoms were like, and when and how they started, many questions asked several times. Some I could answer, and some I really couldn't. He was very interested in knowing about anti-depression and tranquilizer drugs I have taken in the past. I have been on several for short periods of time because of the stress of caring for our parents and our daughters, but I couldn't tell him much about which ones I have taken. I should be able to get that information from my Primary and from our Pharmacist, plus I rounded up a bunch of prescription bottles of them that I had kept - just in case.

Dr. Watts sat down right in front of me, looked me in the eye, smiled, and talked with me. I had no sense of him being in a hurry to move on to the next patient. That is so rare in doctors these days, and certainly not what I expected out of such a highly renowned specialist.

OK, so now to what happened. I put on quite a show of jerks, tremors, and facial tics the whole time, partly because I was so nervous about what they would find or not find. There is a big part of my mind that is just sure this has all been a psychological problem, but at least he never said that. At least not yet.

I gave a pint of blood in the lab (OK, so I'm exaggerating - but it was maybe 8 vials full), looking for some clue as to what is going on. He talked to me about the possibility of some kind of antibody/autoimmune problem where my own body is causing the problems. He also seemed to think it might be symptoms caused from one of the medicines I have taken in the past.

He has also ordered an MRI at UAB. He says their MRI equipment is different from others I have been in, in that it is more powerful and may see something that the others did not. Plus, it's been 2 years since I had a brain MRI, and whatever is going on might show up now that hadn't progressed enough to show back then. They will call me with that appointment, so I don't know when that will be.

He talked with his assistant, Dr. D, about lots of things it might be, with all kinds of medical jargon. Dr. D was jotting down notes the whole time and seemed to be making a list of possible diagnoses as they discussed my symptoms. Every once in awhile Dr. Watts would ask me to do something or ask more questions. It was exactly like watching a real live "HOUSE" team in action. When he was through talking back and forth with Dr. D, Dr. Watts gave us a layman's explanation of some of the possibilities. I am not going to list them, since obviously they can't all be it, and maybe even none of them are "it". I did come home and get busy Googling every term I could remember hearing them discussing. You knew I would do that, didn't you. LOL!

He did put me on a titrating dose schedule of Clonazepam, to see if that would calm down the jerks and tics. He said I would be sleepy with it at first, but that this would wear off as my body adjusted to it. I am to take 1/2 tablet at night for a week, then morning and night, and work up to 1 full and 2 halves a day. I have an appointment to see someone else in the practice in May to go over the findings. He said that Dr. D and Dr. Watts would be in on the conference with us at that time.

At this point about all I do know is that it is looking less and less likely that I have Parkinson's, but that I do have some type of Movement Disorder as yet to be named.

We've not told family or friends about all this yet. They know I had the appointment but not why I had it. We decided there was no point in making anyone else worry about all this. We will wait until we actually know something to tell them. I can write it all here, which helps me process it all, because nobody I know personally reads this blog.

Getting Back to "Normal" and Doing Some Soul Searching

I didn't have any lasting bad effects from the Physical Therapy last week, and my neck continues to improve. The pain is essentially gone, although I do still have some stiffness, and certain activities still hurt. At least I am not hurting when I'm doing nothing!

I continue to limit my reading about Parkinson's, but it sure is hard to intentionally stay away from Parkie friends I value so much. I had intended to stay away until I had the appointment with the Movement Disorder Specialist (MDS) in April, but I just couldn't do it. They are too much a part of my life now. If I am diagnosed with something besides PD, I plan to keep up with them anyway. I did stay active in the Alzheimer's caregiver forum I belonged to for quite awhile after our parents died, but I did finally quit visiting. Life moves on eventually.

I had another choking episode with a pill a couple of days ago that was really bad. That particular pill burns in the mouth, for some reason, if it doesn't go down right away, and it burned in my throat when it got stuck. I ended up with a very sore throat that lasted until the next day. So, again, I've gone back to doing what my Gastroenterologist told me to do. Taking the pills in apple sauce instead of water makes all the difference. I'm just being lazy, and dealing with a heavy dose of apathy right now. That's the only way to explain that it's easier to get a glass of water than to open the fridge and get out the apple sauce and a spoon. I have gradually stopped doing several things he told me to do, and I need to get back to the straight and narrow, for my own sake, and my hubby's. He worries about me so, often without good reason, other than he loves me. I must try to do all I can to keep from getting myself into situations like this that scare him so.

There was a post on Patients Like Me today that has me doing some heavy thinking. Basically, it was about how many Parkies avoid being around those PWP who are farther along in their stage of the disease, because they do not want to be confronted with their own possible future. I know I fit in that category, as I have intentionally not even tried to find a support group, and I have turned down some invitations to meet some online Parkie friends who live in Alabama, too. It's one thing to read how they are doing, but quite another to see it for myself. I know that's the way I would react, because I freaked out when I first looked at a free DVD I ordered that had real Parkinson's people doing exercises. I haven't watched it again. It does help, knowing that other PWP feel this way, too, but it's not fair for those who are farther along, who are missing the support they need. It's a reaction I'm going to have to work on, but not until after I see the MDS.

As it always seems to be, I get better in one area and regress in another. I guess that's normal for everybody, right?

Looks Like I Can Cross Sleep Apnea OFF My List!!

I have slept longer and waked more refreshed almost every night now for over a week with the dental appliance set to a very comfortable amount of lower jaw extension. I'm not having as much trouble with daytime sleepiness, except for the odd woozy feeling I get after lunch. So, unless something unforeseen happens, I am going to cross Sleep Apnea off my list of problems! That feels so good, to have one less thing going wrong with me.

My neck continues to spasm, so I guess in a way I have traded one problem for another. But I know that will either work itself out, or I can go to my Orthopedist and he will deal with it. If it has not relaxed by Monday, I will make an appointment. I suspect he will give me a prescription for some Physical Therapy. That's why I stopped going earlier this year when my knee was so painful. I wanted to be sure I had some PT time left, as my insurance only covers 15 trips a year, I think it was. Anyway, I know I have some sessions left, and that will be enough to get this painfully stiff neck relaxed, I'm sure.

I am in an optimistic mood, and have been for some time now. It feels glorious!! Even my elimination seems to be getting back to normal. The combination of Bentyl, the antispasmodic and mild antidepressant, the extra Metamucil capsule, and the Acidophilus, have done the trick. I still have gas problems, as I try to figure out which foods I will have to delete from my diet, but that is so minor a problem compared to what I was dealing with.

So, this is going to be a great day! I just feel it!!

Update on Dental Appliance for Sleep Apnea

I've been wearing the TAP device for the last three nights, and thought I'd better let you know what I think of it. All in all I'm very pleased. It's certainly easier for me than trying to get used to the CPAP mask was. I would be lying if I said it is comfortable, but it's not painful and I am pretty sure I will eventually wear it without particularly noticing it. I guess it's about like wearing glasses for the first time.

There are a few things that have to be part of my routine now, because of the dental appliance. It is absolutely a must that I brush my teeth every night, something I've never really had a consistent habit about, hanging my head in shame, as I usually fall asleep in the recliner while watching TV. If I don't, I'm just asking for a bunch of cavities. Also, I have to brush the mouth pieces every morning when I brush my teeth, and leave them out to dry thoroughly.

The big change is that there are two small pieces of pliable plastic that I have to stick in between my teeth at the corners of my mouth every morning to chew on for awhile. The idea is that the TAP pulls the lower jaw forward for sleeping, so in the morning, I have to move my lower jaw back into it's normal position, so my bite will be correct. It's kind of like chewing gum, I guess, but there's no taste. It's not hard to do, but it's absolutely necessary. It's supposed to strengthen my jaw muscles, too, which will be a good Parkinson's exercise. PWP lose the ability to control their facial muscles eventually, so this should help me forestall the expressionless Parkinson's Mask, as it's called.

I haven't made any turns on the device yet, so I'm still wearing it at the first setting, which has my upper and lower teeth meeting in the front. Now, for some of you, they already do that to begin with, but I have a noticeable overbite. That overbite is one of the main reasons my Sleep Disorder doctor thinks this dental appliance will stop my Sleep Apnea. I figure I'm going to be wearing this thing the rest of my life, so what's the rush. I want to get used to it first, before I start cranking my jaw out any further, particularly since it's already set to move my lower jaw out a good bit just to make my front teeth meet.

As far as my sleeping goes, I haven't been doing much of that. I don't really think it's because of the dental appliance, though. I've taken Lunesta two nights now, and still didn't sleep more than three or four hours. I made it to five hours last night, without a sleeping pill, which is the best this week. I've never found a sleeping pill that really worked well enough on me to justify taking it, so I can't say I'm surprised the Lunesta didn't help.

I've been pretty upset with other things that have been going on with my Parkinson's right now, and I think that's cutting into my sleep. Also, I'm on several more PD meds since my ER visit, and they may be making the insomnia worse. And, even with the extra meds, I'm still wobbly, although nowhere near as bad as I was before I went to the ER.

I am having some spells of being extremely spacey and unsteady, which pass after about an hour or so, usually right after meals. I'm guessing it's the combination of all the PD meds I'm on right now, but my Neurologist will straighten that out for sure. I have them all spread out as best I could, so I'm taking something about every hour or two all day long.

I see my Neurologist tomorrow, and I'm very hopeful that he can sort out what needs to be done to help the insomnia and also give my Gastroenterologist some suggestions about medicines I can take to calm the colon spasms. He may have to change some of my PD meds, so that I can take an antidepressant, as that is the class of drugs that the colon relaxing medicines fall in. Oh, I forget to mention that I stopped taking the St. John's Wort after the first day, as the more I read I realized it was in the category of an antidepressant, and I can't take those right now.

So I'll spend today looking forward to tomorrow and some answers, I hope!

Day One with Sinemet

Yesterday was the first full day of taking Sinemet again, as well as the Requip and Zelepar I was already on. I also had the Lodosyn and Sucralfate I requested from the ER doc, so that the Sinemet had a better chance of not making me so nauseated, the way it did last year. I started the morning hardly able to feed myself or walk, but ended the day almost back to my normal state. That was a huge relief, to say the least!!!

I also talked to my Gastroenterologist last night, but without any real conclusion to my gas and belching problem, or my elimination difficulties. He basically just asked me a lot of questions, most of which I could not give him any clear cut answer to, and told me to go on and make an appointment with him. I told him about the ER trip, and how I had been delaying my Neuro appointment, waiting for a diagnosis. He said to go on and make the Neurologist appointment, so I'll do that today. The fact that he has taken so long going over all the diary I gave him, plus his obvious quandary as to what is going on, leads me to think that a serious diagnosis is not jumping out at him as likely. That is what I'm going to assume, anyway.

The comical part of all this was trying to figure out a schedule to add in three more meds, taking into account all the restrictions on timing and eating and nearness to other meds that each one has. I finally wrote out today's schedule, and I'm taking one or more medicines today at 5AM, 6, 7:30, 9, 11, 12, 1:15, 3, 5, 6:30, and 8PM! And that doesn't count the Myralax that goes on my cereal or the glycerin suppositories I use! You should see the size of my pill boxes!! Oops, my timer just went off.... time to go take medicine LOL!

Well, I'm back. I just took the Sucralfate, a hog pill that I had trouble swallowing yesterday. Last night we cut it in half, but I still choked on it, because it's so dry going down. So, this morning I soaked the two halves in a tablespoon of water, and swallowed that. That was much easier, although I can still feel the dry scratchiness down my throat. That's one of my new stomach protector meds, so I have to take it, uncomfortable or not.

Each day is a new adventure with this PD, with some days being hopeful and others being miserable. Thank goodness I don't often get as down as I was Sunday night. I thank God for that!! And, I thank you for caring enough to say an encouraging word, too, as I surely need it.

Waiting, But Not So Patiently

My Gastroenterologist is a very busy, very dedicated man, for whom I have the utmost respect. I know for a fact that he works long hours, because one of the times I went to his office lately, they couldn't find my chart. Then the nurse pulled it out of a big duffel bag full of files, and told me those were the ones Dr. B had taken home that night to work on. He had been reviewing my whole chart, hoping to find a pattern in my symptoms that would help him decide on a course of action. I had no idea that doctors took their work home with them. Considering they get calls in the night for emergencies, I always assumed that they tried to leave their work behind as much as possible when they went home.

So, I'm trying to be patient as I wait for him to call me back. I reported in to his nurse last week to let her know that the cleaning out he had me do with the GoLytely did not stop my problems with elimination or with the bloating and gas. She told me then to check back this week, after I had stopped the Amitiza, to see if that would help. Well, I called her Tuesday, and left a message that stopping the Amitiza did not change the problems. I didn't hear from her, so I called again late Wednesday afternoon, as she is usually so good about returning calls. She said then that Dr. B was going to call me back that afternoon, himself. So, I stayed close to home, with the phone on ready. No phone call. Well, like I said, I know he's a very busy man, so I waited until late Friday to call his nurse again, thinking maybe there had been a mixup on who was supposed to talk to me. She called me back just a few minutes later to say that Dr. B had just plain forgotten, and was very apologetic, and would definitely call me that evening. Still no phone call. I can't imagine him calling me on the weekend, but who knows.

I know I need to work on patience, as it is a virtue I really need more of. The old joke is that you should be careful when you pray for more patience, as the way to get patience is to deal with adversity. I guess my "adversity" right now is having to deal with these digestive related problems for over a year now, trying one thing after another, as the doctor ordered, with no relief yet. I'm definitely showing signs of depression, and I blame much of it on this unresolved problem.

There's no doubt in my mind that I am under medicated right now, as far as the Parkinson's meds are concerned. But there's no point in going back to the Neuro until I have overcome my difficulties with getting used to the CPAP, and until something definite has been accomplished with this digestive situation. As it is, I'm changing two things at once, which is not good science. In order to be sure what the cause and effect is on any treatment change, there needs to be only one variable at a time.

I wrote some time ago about how dealing with Parkinson's is like being in a clinical trial with one participant. I still think that is an accurate assessment of what it's like. After reading lots of comments and stories from other PWP, it is apparently true for most, if not all, Parkies. The doctors can only try things, never knowing exactly how any one patient is going to react to the meds, or their side effects.

And the depressing thing is, none of these meds work to improve the underlying brain deterioration. They only work on the symptoms. So far, no medicine has been proved to actually slow down or halt the progression of the PD itself, and there's not even a whisper yet of anything that can repair the damage already done, with the exception of claims made for stem cell therapy.

I do have one positive piece of information to report, though, and I try hard to end on a positive note. I mope about all this enough. Since brain fog is a problem I've had for a long time now, I was very curious when someone on the PatientsLikeMe site mentioned the idea of using brain training to improve their mental abilities. That started me doing some research, and led me to the MyBrainTrainer site. It was not very expensive to join for three months, and I figured I could give it a try for that long, and then decide if it were worth taking a year's subscription. They have a series of online brain exercises, set up like miniature games, that you work through on a planned schedule. I'm on Day 12 of the 21 day basic training part right now. My scores are consistently falling in the 25 to 29th percentile of all their participants in my age range. Not anything to brag about, that's for sure. BUT, here's the good part. The brain fog is beginning to lift, just a little. I'm not groping blankly for answers to questions on the Smarter that a Fifth Grader show nearly as often. I find I know the answers more often on Jeopardy, too, and I don't feel nearly as frustrated by watching these shows as I was a few months ago.

So is the BrainTrainer the reason, or the CPAP machine? I have no idea. Again, changing more than one thing at a time makes such a conclusion impossible. But I don't care, all I know is that I'm thinking better, even as my body is slowing down again from not having a strong enough PD med dosage in my system. I'm very grateful for that, and I cling to any positive outcomes as I try to work through this depressed stage I'm in.

Trying a Different C-Pap Mask

I took the c-pap stuff back to the supplier yesterday, and they have changed me to a very soft nasal "plug" that doesn't have nearly as much strapping all over my face as the nasal mask did. I slept 6 straight hours, without getting up at all. I can't remember how long it's been since I did that. It's not perfect, as my nostrils were sore this morning, and I can still feel the thing, even hours after it has been out. I've always had this odd thing where I could "feel" a hat long after I had taken it off, and this canula is doing the same thing.

I have hope now that I will adjust. The frustration I was feeling with the other face mask was really wearing me out. It's a good thing I don't cuss! LOL

I'm calling the Gastroenterologist today, as I want the colonoscopy for my peace of mind. I'm still not satisfied with my elimination situation. We took our kittens to the vet this morning, and I got light headed and had to sit down quickly, because we were standing, waiting for the vet to come in our treatment room. I blame that on my tummy, as I felt better after I excused myself and used their facilities.

I've started going out in our yard and working just as soon as it's daylight, as it's just too hot later on in the morning. So, my exercise routine is back on track, with walking and Tai Chi every day, plus working for a little while in the yard. By the time I come in around 7:00AM I'm drenched in sweat.

I'm definitely going to have to get my Neurologist to prescribe something to stop this excessive crying I'm doing. I broke out in blubbering at the c-pap office, trying to tell the tech how frustrated I was trying to adjust to the mask. I have learned that this is called emotional lability, and it is a PD side effect. He doesn't want to change my meds until I get the cpap and elimination situations settled, and that makes sense.

So, some things seem to be getting better, and others aren't.

Startle Reflex Does Me IN!!

Have you ever seen a small baby startle? Their whole body is involved, with arms and legs flailing wildly, looking like they can almost jump straight up off the table. Well, yesterday, I looked like that, and it was a very upsetting episode.

I've always been easily startled, so up until recently, I had not made the connection with my increased jumpiness and my PD. I've been attributing it to my insomnia. After reading about other PWP on the ParkinsonLikeMe site, I've come to realize that this phenomena is a fairly common PD symptom.

We were just finishing up eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant, when the people behind us must have been celebrating someone's birthday. Without any warning to me, because I had my back to them, the waiters had gathered at their booth and started singing loudly in Spanish. I jumped out of my skin. My heart was racing, and it was all I could do to hold the tears long enough to get out of there. Poor hubby was so angry that he all but threw the money for our meal at them, and he vowed we would never come in there again.

I was so upset, partly from still feeling the effects of such a powerful reaction, but also with myself, because I had reacted that way at all. I couldn't stop the tears, and remained very depressed the rest of the day. It completely spoiled our day out, and that's a shame. I can feel the tears welling up, even now as I write about it. Such a simple thing, but it really drove home just how much I have changed.

I read other's stories, like Dan's that I posted about today, and I'm ashamed of myself for being depressed over my little problems. But that only makes the depression worse. I can only pray for strength and make myself get up and do ... do something ... do anything... and not wallow.

Blue Funk Is Now Fading

I don't seem to be quite as depressed as I was a few days ago, thank goodness. The money part of the estate is finally taken care of, so the only thing left to do is sell Daddy's car and finish emptying the house of all the furniture and stuff that our DD's don't want. I say "only" like that's not a big deal, but there's a bunch of stuff to get out of our older DD's way. We did bring Daddy's car down to our house yesterday, so at least they can move things out to the garage now that are in their way. We didn't want to do that while all the construction delivery trucks and workers' vehicles were going in and out of our yard.

We put Thompson's Water Seal on the garage floor day before yesterday, and it soaked it up like a sponge. We have to wait until tomorrow for it to be cured, but from the looks of it, we'll have to put another coat on it before we put anything in the garage. Not that we can use it yet, anyway, as only half of it has been roofed. We're waiting for the other special order to come, since the builder didn't order enough of the starter strips for this particular type of shingle. It seems this pattern takes two rows, instead of the standard one, so we have half a roof at the moment. LOL

So many delays have happened with this garage that what would have had me in tears a week ago is now just funny. They don't get paid until we're satisfied, so it's to their advantage to not make all these time consuming mistakes. Go figure.

We bought a pair of trekking poles the other day, as an experiment. The one piece ones are supposed to be better, according to all I could find on the Internet. But it made more sense to try out a cheaper set of adjustable ones that both of us could use at different times, until we see if we like it. Using the walking poles is supposed to be a way to protect the knee, ankle, and hip joints, plus give the upper body a complete workout while you walk. And they are recommended as an excellent exercise tool for PWP.

We're practicing around the house right now. I'm not sure I am going to be able to use the best possible form with them, as it's kind of confusing. It involves holding them with a strap around your wrist and then letting go of the grip when the pole goes back, as you grip the other pole as you walk. Trying to keep my feet coordinated with the poles, plus remembering what my hands are doing, all at the same time, is very confusing. But I can definitely hold onto both poles all the time and do them OK. I can already tell that they are going to increase the exercise my upper arms and shoulders get. I've been walking with one pound weights every other lap now, for some time, in anticipation of trying these poles. I hope that means I'm ready for them, but I'm in no hurry to try to walk very far with them right now. I've learned that slow and easy works better for me.

We managed to salvage enough leftover sheathing and scrap 2x4's to have a good start on finishing off one inside wall of the garage, plus make some shelving, plus there is a good bit of the siding left over that they were going to take to the dump. We kept that, too, in case we ever have storm damage. I've been walking around outside the last few days with one of those magnets on a pole, picking up nails. No telling how long it will take for us to find all of them. With the drought we're having, it's not as if we need to be worrying about using the lawn mower in that part of the yard for awhile, so we should have it cleaned up before we need to be concerned with cutting the grass safely. As for cars, we're still not using the new part of the driveway or going near the garage. Tearing up a tire is just not worth it.

We're making slow headway with our eBay sales, with over 250 items listed now, so I'm hopeful that I can get back to enjoying reading everybody's blogs soon. I did manage to skim through Ruth's blog to see how things were going with her since Mick passed away, and I'm sorry to see that she's had one problem after another, due to the red tape of their national health care system. The more I read what Marion and Ruth have to say about socialized medicine, the surer I become that I pray we never get it in the USA!!

Since I'm writing this at 2 AM I think it's safe to say the insomnia is still going strong. I went to bed about 9:30PM, but I was wide awake by 12:30. I tried going back to sleep about 3:00, but didn't succeed, so I've been up since 3:30 with 3 hours sleep for the night. Counting the days until I see that sleep specialist!!

Going Through a Depression Phase

I have really tried to stay positive about all that's been happening to me over the last year or so, but I'm not succeeding very well right now. When I went to my Neurologist last time we made a point of telling him that I was crying extremely easily over just about everything. He had a name for it, but it was a mile long, and I forgot what it was. Since he said he didn't want to change any medicines until after I've had the sleep study, there didn't seem to be any point in pursuing it, as long as we've told him about it.

We've been waiting to get the garage we're having built finished. We waited an extra month for the siding and roofing to be special ordered to match the house. Neither one of them is a match - right color, but wrong shapes. And we're stuck with them. That set me into quite a blue funk for the last few days, but I'm getting over that. It's just a garage. Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective about things like that.

We're still dealing with estate business, so that doesn't help with my state of mind right now, either.

I started back on the glycerin suppositories today, as I have gradually had more and more trouble with bowels again. Just as before, there's nothing that would make me consider myself to be constipated, but my muscles just don't push hard enough. They took the Zelnorm off the market that dealt with that problem for me before. So I'm planning on going back on the Bowel Retraining regimen.

So, with the insomnia continuing, the bowel situation flaring up again, and just generally too much going on, I've had better days.

Losing It

We closed on the house last Thursday, so now one daughter owns Daddy's house, and the other is getting a nice inheritance. It was a very nerve racking event, because the mortgage lady has from day one done a very sloppy job. She has waited until the last minute to tell us about all kinds of things we had to rush around and get done. She's 7 months pregnant, and our DD is afraid if we complain to her boss she will have problems with the baby. If it weren't for DD being so worried about that, we'd be trying to get some of her commission returned to us, as she had to be the worst business person we've ever had to deal with.

Anyway, we went to the bank today and took care of more of the estate business, and I realized after we got there that I had forgotten to bring the mortgage payment check. In fact, I hadn't even thought about bringing it, and I couldn't remember what I had done with it after we got home late Thursday night. I remember telling my DH where I put it when we got home, but he couldn't remember, either. When we came home from the bank, we spent a very hectic afternoon tearing the house apart, looking for it. I was a complete blank, with no idea what the check even looked like. Have you ever tried looking for something when you didn't even know if it was in an envelope or not?? I cried a lot, prayed a lot, and finally gave up.

I figured if I started cleaning up, I might find it, and I finally did, thanks to God's help. It wasn't in a logical place at all. For some reason I had moved it from where I was just sure I had put it to begin with. This whole episode was very scary, and I've told DH that as far as I'm concerned his Power of Attorney just started. I've always been the one to deal with all business matters, but I can't trust myself any more.

Mama had the Alzheimer's type of Parkinson's, and I'm seeing more and more of it in myself. It's very depressing to watch yourself go blank. I can only hope that it will turn out to be the result of my insomnia, not Senile Parkinson's Disease.

Can't Make Up My Mind

I've been going back and forth since Friday, trying to decide whether or not to join the St. Vincent's Health facility. We toured it Friday afternoon, and the place is really impressive. But when I found out the price, and now that I'm certain that my DH is not going to join, I'm just not sure what to do. If he had joined, I wouldn't be feeling guilty about all the time it's going to take to drive there and back, plus the time I'm there, too.

I can justify the cost, if I choose to go, as just being another expensive medicine. If the doctor were to prescribe something that costs $65 a month, and he really thought it would make a positive impact on my Quality of Life, I'd pay for it, without hesitation. So, even though that is a lot of money, I can't decide not to join just based on cost.

Being dependent on DH to drive me there, wait on me, and then drive home, is very depressing. I'm sure I would join if I could drive myself there, but that's just not going to happen. It would mean driving on Highway 280, the most congested road in Alabama.

When I had said I was going to join, DH let it slip that he really wasn't enjoying going walking in the mornings. He's a night person, so getting up that early is not what he wants to do. He's been keeping that to himself, because he wanted me to get the exercise. I feel bad that I've been hauling him out of bed all this time, when he really didn't want to, but it's just like him to put my interests over his.

So now my dilemma is that I don't want to put him out again, by going so far from home to exercise. I think if it were just exercise equipment, I wouldn't have any trouble saying no. But there are Yoga and Pilates classes, plus Aquatic classes for Arthritis folks, a shallow therapy pool, a large jacuzzi, a sauna, and a steam room. Hmmmm.... those sound so soothing on aching muscles.

I can't count how many times I've changed my mind this weekend LOL!! This whole wishy washy episode has really brought home to me how very upset I am that I have to depend on somebody else to help me do things I used to be able to do by myself. I don't like it one bit!!

Physical Therapy Continues

I am shocked at how weak my right side has become. And a little scared, too, as I can see that I'm going to be in need of care giving a lot sooner than I had imagined, if I cannot regain at least a reasonable amount of my muscle strength. The PT has been very kind this week, and has allowed me to take the time to do the leg exercises on both sides, even though the "prescription" from the doctor only addresses the right knee. Actually, I don't really think the knee is the problem, only the result. The real problem, which is definitely the case on both sides, but more so on the right, is that my hip muscles are extremely compromised. That's causing the unnatural gait and putting the extra strain on the knee. The right one just complained more because of the stress shifting Daddy in the bed caused.

My shoulder is definitely improving, so that's something to be pleased with, anyway. She didn't even work on it yesterday, except for the electrical stimulation and moist heat therapy at the end of the session. I spent two hours there yesterday, just working on my legs and hips. Plus, we walked yesterday morning, and I did 3/4 of a mile, with the cane.

She wants me to cut back on the walking every few days to one or two laps to give my muscles a chance to recuperate, so I'll just sit and watch DH finish his laps on those days. She tells me that the Peripheral Neuropathy causes my muscles to fatigue faster than normal and bounce back more slowly, so I have to be careful to not overdo each set of exercises and rest longer between them than other people would need to.

We chatted while I worked, and it seems that she has another patient right now with idiopathic PN, too. Idiopathic just means the doctors don't know what's causing it, which is true for me, too. Anyway, I gave her the address for this blog to pass along to her, and I hope she does stop by. I know it helps me to chat with people with similar problems, and it's very hard to find much on the Internet about Peripheral Neuropathy that's not caused by diabetes.

My hip sockets and upper thighs ached the rest of the day yesterday, so I ended up taking a Lortab to get to sleep last night. I do feel better this morning, though, and we won't go to the track today, since it's our Date Day. That will help my muscles rest and rebuild. She wants to see me two times next week, again to allow more time for the muscles to rest before the therapy sessions. Of course, I have my list of home exercises to continue, so I'll still be getting therapy.

Oh, another thing I did yesterday was to stop and buy new bottles of my Centrum Silver and vitamin C+D. I found out at the eye doctor's office the other day that not everyone can dissolve the wax that's used to turn medicines into pills. That means some people pass the pills straight through their body without even getting any benefit at all. I had heard that before, that sometimes when septic tanks are cleaned out they are full of pills! So,to get maximum benefit, he told me to change to capsules or gels. Centrum doesn't seem to come that way, so I got the chewable ones instead, and I found the C+D in gells. She also said I was not taking enough of the C for my Osteopenia (loss of bone mass that is not as bad as Osteoporosis), so now I'll be taking those twice a day. She warned me not to try to just take one huge dose, though. She says the body can't absorb more than about 500 units at a time.

Sorry to sound so depressing today, but this has really slammed home to me how much function I've already lost, with no way of knowing if I can regain it. I can only do my best to follow the PT's directions and hope for the best.

Sleep? What's That???

I'm tired. I've reached the point that I'm too tired to sleep, even when I could. I have the Ambien CR, but the Neurologist doesn't want me taking it all the time.

Besides, I might not hear Daddy if I'm doped up. He's becoming very unpredictable as to his sleeping patterns. There have been some nights lately where he hallucinated much of the night, even clawing to take off his Depends and trying to climb over the bed rails. Other nights, he talks in his sleep. I've had several lengthy conversations with him in the middle of the night, where he never opens his eyes, and I can tell he's still asleep LOL! Other nights, he barely twitches a muscle, but stays in exactly the same place all night long. That's not good for his skin.

The lift has helped with the lack of strength problem tremendously (Daddy's and mine, too), and Daddy is accepting it without argument, thank goodness. He's also letting us feed him, which surprised me. I thought he'd balk, but I think he's beyond that. He still takes spells of hateful talk, but it doesn't happen too often any more. Frances heard it for the first time yesterday. It really surprised her. We told her that meant she was part of the family now. ;)

We've reached that point in care giving where we pretty much control everything to do with Daddy now. We've bought sweat pants and put his regular zipper pants away. I've put up his watch, wallet, and keys, which he'd always put on first thing each morning. He's no longer wearing athletic undershirts or his favorite flannel shirts. We've bought him some knit Henley long sleeve shirts instead, so we could get them on and off easier that the unstretching flannels. He's in white diabetic ankle socks, instead of his dress socks, and I can't remember the last time he had on both shoes. In fact now we're not even bothering with the slipper socks, as he's not standing or walking. The sores on his bottom and his heel look much better, because we have more control over his skin now that he's not walking and in his own bed. It's no wonder he keeps asking to go home! He certainly doesn't recognize the life he's living now. But he's safe (well, except for his rail climbing times), and he's as comfortable as we can get him.

The Zelepar seems to be sufficient for my physical Parkinson's symptoms, but I'm not sure any medicine could improve the mental deterioration I see, considering all we're doing right now. Thank goodness for backspace and spell check!!

At the rate I'm going it won't be long before it's just too difficult to try to correct all my typing mistakes. I'll just join Joe, and let you see what it's really like for me HA!!

So, I've cut out what I could in the way of other responsibilities. I haven't put a new item on eBay in some time, and I've put up a notice that we are not able to ship promptly right now. I've sent an email to all the BLOG VILLAGE members, asking them to help me with the monthly check on all the voting links and dead blogs. I've even cut down on my own reading and commenting, not because I want to, but because I'm just overwhelmed right now.

As you can see, I'm not very cheery today. I'll feel better once I get some sleep, though - whenever that will be.