Less Computer Time = Getting other things done!

Well, I have pretty much stuck to my intention to stay away from places where PWP are describing their symptoms. I have visited the PLM site a few times, and even made a few comments, but I have been cautious about the type of posts I opened, to avoid reading about anything tremor related. I have not done any research on PD, either, other than to try to find a correlation between heavy steroid use with Parkinson's. This was not for my benefit, but for one of my readers, who asked some interesting questions.

My neck continues to be very stiff and painful, but I can put up with it, knowing I will be getting help next week when I start Physical Therapy.

I am pretty much caught up with posting requests for help on the Plush Memories Lost Toys Search Service, and we are over the Christmas rush on eBay. I still need to put a new post on our Yesterday's Memories blog, and there is always work to do on the BLOG VILLAGE TopList that I run.

So, I have been getting some much needed house clutter cleaning done, but there is plenty more that needs to be done. I would like to have the house straight for the New Year. At least it can start that way LOL.

We did have a great Christmas, seeing all of our family all at once, and enjoying being with our grandchildren. It looks like we actually managed to buy them some things they will enjoy, and that's not easy to do when they hit those preteen and teen years. They all have birthdays right after Christmas, so we will be seeing them again real soon, too.

Hubby gave me a blender for Christmas, so now I can learn how to make Raw Foods Smoothies, something I have been wanting to try for some time now. Jackie, from The Vegan Diet, clued me into The Raw Food Coach, and since we eat a lot of raw foods, anyway, I have been learning as much as I can about what foods are the best for me. I have been doing a lot of research on the high anti-oxidant Super Foods, and we are gradually changing our diet to include lots of them daily.

We have had a lot of fun at our house of late with trying to get our very spoiled (neurotic) inside cat to accept our two outside cats as occasional inside visitors. They are too young to leave outside all night when it is freezing, so we bought a pet cage for them. They don't mind being in it at all, which surprised us, but it sure makes going out of town easier. We keep our inside cat in the hall bathroom when we are gone, and now we can keep the outside cats protected, too. Our only problem is that Miss Queen Fluffy doesn't like having them inside. There have been quite a few fights between Fluffy and Mr. Salt. Miss Pepper stays out of the rough stuff, as she has some kind of nerve damage to one of her hind legs. She is the main reason we decided to bring them in on cold nights and when we are out of town. Fluffy surprised us last night and behaved the whole time they were in the house. Maybe she's finally adjusting to them, I hope.

One of my anonymous readers has given me a clue as to what my diagnosis might be, if it's not Parkinson's. So, I have started doing some research on Dystonia. Also, there was a new post today on PLM discussing Ataxia, and that sounds familiar, too. I already feel better, knowing that there are other conditions that my symptoms seem to fit. It makes me feel less like this is all going to turn out to be psychosomatic. I can't bear the thought that my body has been going through all this due to an emotional problem. With other possibilities in sight, I am in a much better frame of mind than I was yesterday, thank goodness. So, Marion, the glass is looking more and more like it's half full, again.

As always, I appreciate your prayers and concern, and love to hear from you, even if it's just to say HI!

Doing Without PD Meds Today

I just have to answer this one for myself, before I drive myself crazy. I didn't take my last PD med last night, and I haven't had any this morning. It will take awhile for the meds to flush out of my system, but I need to know what I look like without them. It's just like most of the meds you see advertised on TV. Take this pill to stop twitching, but oh, by the way, this pill can cause twitching!!! So, if I didn't need them, they would give me the same symptoms as someone who did need them. Like I said, my brain is going around in circles over this, so I may not be making good sense right now.

I'm going to be in the house all day today, and I wanted to settle my mind on this before it was Christmas. It wouldn't do me any good to try to wait until after the New Year to experiment, because I start physical therapy for my neck on Jan. 2, and I sure wouldn't want to be playing around with my dosages then.

Of course I am still on all the other meds I take, for my digestive system, allergies, and bone density, plus the vitamins and herbs for general health and anti-oxidant benefits. Who knows, maybe that's all I need to be on, anyway. I hope to find out with this little experiment.

We will be spending time with our older daughter and son-in-law here in town Christmas Eve, and then we'll drive to our younger daughter's home to spend with our grandchildren and her hubby. Then, a few days later, we'll be driving back for our grandson's birthday.

I don't want this nagging doubt hanging over me. I want to enjoy this family time, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus, without obsessing over this, the way I have the last few days. So, it's do without today, and maybe tomorrow, too, or wait until February or so. And I just emotionally can't wait that long. Did I say that patience is not one of my virtues?

Standing MRI Tomorrow / Praying for Friends

Hubby went off yesterday morning to his stint on Jury Duty, only to be sent back home. All the cases for this week had been handled through plea bargains, and there were no cases!! He had to call back last night to see if anything had changed, and they dismissed all the jurors!!

So, I got busy making arrangements to have my MRI done, and it is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm going to call my Neurologist's office today and see if they have any suggestions, because it dawned on me that with this standing MRI, I would need to be still for quite awhile. That was not a problem with the knee MRI I had done at this same place. I was not having foot and leg tremors then, but I am now.

It just seems like this PD manages to worm its way into every single thing I try to do.

I shouldn't be whining, though, as I am so much better off than some of my Parkie friends are. It grieves me, for their sakes, to read of all the pain and problems that PD is causing some wonderful people that I care deeply about on the PLM forum and on the PD blogs I keep up with. I keep them in the forefront of my prayers daily.

Hubby and I are also extremely concerned about a young teen aged, very gifted and sweet boy from our church, who is seriously ill. He went to the doctor Friday, but the doctor ran all kinds of tests and could not find anything to explain how sick he felt, and sent him back home.

Saturday he was in the hospital with pneumonia. Monday, he was put in ICU, and yesterday he was airlifted to the ICU at Children's Hospital in Birmingham.

This single mom has a Downs Syndrome child, as well, so attending to the needs of both of them must be putting all kinds of extra strain on her during this scary time. Thankfully, she has family living nearby who can help her out. We spent a few minutes with him in the ICU yesterday, only to come home and find out about the airlift. I talked to her for just a moment or two in the ICU waiting room at Children's last night, and she sounded OK, but I imagine she is faking a lot of that calm.

So, I feel very small and insignificant at times like this, with my petty little problems. All we can do is keep them in our prayers, and offer to help in any way we can.

No Such Thing as Status Quo with Me

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with our whole family. Our older daughter and her hubby both love to cook. So they went overboard with the food, but it was important to them, as their first big family meal in their new home. I could tell she was getting all stressed, which is not good for her at all, but I sure was glad I didn't have to have them all at my house. Don't get me wrong, I love being around all of them... but I get way too panicky at the thought of having that big a group all at once.

Plus now, my house is not clean enough for me to feel comfortable entertaining. I have started trying to unclutter some parts of the house, but it took it several years to get in this mess, and it's not going to be clean overnight. Hubby says to just ignore it .... something he seems to be able to do quite well. It bothers me, though. Every time I try to tackle it, I get worn out before I've made a dent! LOL

Anyway, I did have an appointment with my Gastroenterologist this week. I am still having lots of belching and gas, although the elimination difficulties have improved considerably since he put me on the Bentyl. I had read some things on the Internet that made me ask about the Metamucil and Glycolax, as far as were they contributing to the gas problem. I gave him the printout showing the times I was taking my meds, thinking he might see something that I needed to change. He was flabberghasted. He said he had no idea I was taking the Metamucil and Glycolax in the morning - that I should be taking them at night!

He also said the loud belches were from swallowing air. I told him I knew I did that when I took my meds with a big gulp, because I had trouble swallowing them. He suggested I take them in applesauce, instead of water. And .... it works! I do have a little trouble getting the swallow to come, though, thanks to my uncooperative tongue.

My tongue has started some kind of tic. I'm lip licking, or lip sucking, or moving my tongue around, rubbing against my teeth almost constantly now. I mentioned this new quirk in the PLM forum, and one of the Parkies said she had been rubbing the back of her dentures with her tongue for 14 years! She's actually worn a hole in the back side of two of her teeth!

Speaking of the TAP, I am continuing to get 7 1/2 to 8 hours of sleep each night. My alarm watch is waking me up now to start my meds at 5:00AM. If I could just stay awake later at night, I would change the time of the first meds. But it's all I can do most nights to stay awake until 9. I'm toying with the idea of taking a short afternoon nap, but I will wait awhile longer before I try that, to be sure I have the sleep habit well established.

I am out of the muscle relaxer meds now, but they really didn't help a whole lot to ease the soreness and stiffness in my neck. So I'll be calling my Orthopedist this next week.

I'm still having a lot more tremors than I had before my trip to the ER. The tremor in my right hand is unpredictable, but strikes often and hard. If I stand still for even a few moments, my right leg starts a little dance all by itself, making my whole body bounce, and sometimes now it starts up even when I am sitting down. That was only happening at church before, where I was blaming it on being cold and the seat being uncomfortable. Now it's pretty much a given that if I'm standing, I'm dancing, and if I'm the least bit tired or upset, I'm jiggling as I sit. And walking still feels like I'm on Jello. I'm using the cane all the time when we go somewhere now, except for church. I'm still stubbornly holding out on that, as it puts too much attention on me.

I am going to have to keep track of the times of the day that all these tremors start and stop, so I can tell if it has anything to do with my meds wearing off.

So today, I can give my sleep problems an A, elimination difficulties a B-, stiff and sore neck a D, and tremors a D.

My Thanksgiving Prayer

This Thanksgiving will be our first without any of our parents with us. It's the first Thanksgiving where our older daughter and her hubby take over the reins of being hosts, passed down from my Grandmother, to Mama, then to me, and now her. It's a reminder that as things change, they really stay the same. It's a reminder of how very important family is. And how important friends are.

It's also a reminder that I am no longer the caregiver, a role I held for much of my married life. But now, I am "the sick one" in the family. Parkinson's Disease does not have any cure in sight yet, but only ways to manage the symptoms, with varying degrees of success and often horrible side effects. It is progressively debilitating, which I'm daily reminded of, as I talk to so many PWP who are so much worse off than I am. I see it in the difference in what I can do now, compared to last Thanksgiving. But, I am so very thankful that I am still able to walk, talk normally, write fairly legibly, use the computer without problems, that my digestive problems are calming down somewhat, that I am sleeping better, and that I am mentally still ME. I pray that I can still say that next year.

You dear cyber friends, who have been a listening ear as I chronicled this journey, you will never know how much you have helped me deal with all that has been going on this last year. You have helped me give voice to my reactions to this disease. I can't thank you all enough.

I pray that you will all have as wonderful a Thanksgiving as I will, surrounded by family, wrapped in love.

Amen

Wonderful Weekend!

We used our Date Day Friday to work our way up toward Huntsville, where our younger DD's family lives. We haven't been to see them at their home since last Summer, thanks to all that's been going on with me and with my Daddy. So, we had a wonderful time getting to visit. We even got to watch our twin granddaughters play in their Softball game.

My knee behaved itself, although I was careful to use the cane up and down her steps and at the ball park. When we got home, I have a message to schedule the MRI, as insurance has already approved it. Our older DD has a couple of job interviews lined up, the Will stuff is moving along nicely, and our eBay sales have picked up, now that I'm listing new items almost every day.

We even had rain today, which was so badly needed around here.

Speaking of weather, however, reminds me to say a prayer for all those poor people who have lost everything - even their town - in the Midwest, from tornado damage. May God's hand be felt close to them. He's always there, but sometimes we just don't realize it. I pray that they will feel His strength and comfort in this horrible time they are all going through.

I'm sorry I've not been able to get back to reading everyone's blogs yet. It just seems like my list of things to do gets longer, instead of shorter! LOL And I do appreciate you checking on me, particularly since I'm not reciprocating.

I'll be calling my insurance company tomorrow to find out where I stand on the number of PT visits I'm allowed, but I do have a PT appointment for tomorrow, anyway.

I'm looking forward to a great week, and I hope you have one, too!

Saying Goodbye

The Hospice nurse told me today that the nurse who stayed Saturday thought he had a heart attack that night. I had been guessing maybe two more weeks at the most, based on Daddy's refusal to let me put anything in his mouth. She told me to be thinking more like days. I've said my goodbye's, tried to finish the sentences he was struggling to get out, and he's ready - well past ready. I didn't have to hear the individual words to know the cadence of his "I wish this would hurry up and get over with," as I've been hearing that for some time now.

Saying goodbye is never easy, but our first Hospice experience taught us that it is important. Even if you don't think the person is aware enough to hear you, the loving words need to be said. And if they can't respond, you need to speak out loud for them, saying what you know they would say to you if they could. Not easy.

"I Want to Go Home Now"

The human mind is a fragile thing when age or the onslaught of disease takes its toll. Since we've already been Care Givers for my mother and DH's father, who both had Alzheimer's, we've heard many, many pitiful pleas and angry demands for us to take them "home." My Mama was in the hospital, with me there 24 hours a day for 35 days, recovering from a broken hip and going through rehab. She never could get straight in her head where she was, but I expected things to be better once I got her back into her own home.

I was very disappointed to find that she didn't know she was in her own home, when we did get her back there. Each day involved question after question about when we would be leaving, why wasn't I taking her home, who were these strange people, etc. No amount of reassuring her that she was home, and that the people were her family, would appease her. At one point she was in a panic, because she was worried about her dog being alone at the house, with no one to care for him. What could I say? She was remembering the house I had grown up in, and a dog I had as a little girl. So I had to play along that Cindy was being well taken care of, and for her not to worry.

We moved Pop out of his home, and moved him in with us. So his constant requests to go home at least made sense!

But I was not prepared to have these same conversations with my Daddy! He's old - VERY old - but has been more or less lucid most of the time, even after he fell on Thanksgiving weekend. Well, he's been lucid about everything EXCEPT that he was still in his own home! He's forever asking me for his cap and jacket, so we can head home.

I've come to the conclusion that what they all mean when they ask to go home is to go back to a time when they were in control. A time in their lives when they had privacy. A time when someone else did not pick out the clothes they would wear, or decide what they would have for lunch, or when it was bedtime. A time in their lives when they could still drive, take a walk around the block, or, in Daddy's case, cut the grass.

As Care Givers, we can do our best to keep them safe and comfortable physically, and we can even play along with their delusions at times, but the one thing we cannot do for them is to give them back that control over their own lives that they so long for.

My Daddy will be 102 in less than two weeks. His body becomes noticeably more frail each day, his speech has become all but nonexistent over the last few days, and we can get very little nutrition or fluids down him. It frustrates him to try to talk when he can't get the words out. He can no longer help us when we turn him in the bed. His days and nights are spent for the most part sleeping. Sure he wants to go home. Who wouldn't want to return to a better time??

I both rejoice and am deeply grieved that he soon will be truly HOME. Seeing my dear Mama again. Walking with a full strong stride. Enjoying seeing all the wonderful sights that his blind eyes have been missing for many, many years. Hearing the angelic choir in all its glory. And I betcha he'll be on a riding lawn mower keeping the yard cut!!!

I'm already grieving his loss. Just writing these last words has the tears flowing. But he's lived a long life, with much to be proud of and to enjoy. It's time for him to go home.

What a Difference the Right Equipment Makes!!

This morning was my first chance to take care of Daddy from a hospital bed that worked properly. It made quite a difference, although I still had problems getting him to follow my directions. I was able to change him out of the night Depends, clean him up, and get fresh ones on, put on socks, pants part way, and shoes, before I ever let the bed down for him to sit up. That is a BIG help. He rolled away from me, following my directions perfectly, but when it came time to roll toward me, he kept trying to climb over the rail!! DH heard me struggling to get his legs back in, and came and helped me get him on his side, so I could finish the Depends. Next time, I'll put his trousers on around his ankles first, so it will kind of "hog tie" him. LOL

Having the right equipment does make all the difference in the world when care giving. I've been very concerned about Ruth and Mick, after seeing the terrible bruises he gets from a wheelchair that doesn't fit his needs properly. I wrote The Voltage Gate and A Hearty Life, thinking that they might have some scientist friends who could help her adapt the wheelchair better. If you know anyone who might be able to help her, I sure would appreciate you sending them the link to her post.

Anyway, we continue to take one day at a time, even one hour at a time, with Daddy, just trying to keep him as comfortable and as mobile as we possibly can.

I've Lost Christmas!

Ya know how sometimes it's too warm when you should be Christmas shopping, and it's just hard to get in the mood? Well, something like that has happened to me this year. First, we have had shirt sleeve weather, which doesn't help the situation any, but that's not really the problem. It just doesn't feel like Christmas to me this year.

We're not going to see either of our daughters or their families this weekend. We didn't decorate our house, because we haven't been there enough to do it, nor to see it if we had. We put a tiny tree up in Daddy's living room, but that's it. Our only Christmas shopping was over the internet, so we haven't been in any of the crowds, nor had the fun of looking for all the little stocking stuffer unique oddities that our grown kids and grandkids look forward to. I've even missed all the Christmas programs at church.

Oh, we've had the songs on the radio, but they start that way too early, so it loses its effect. My Sunday School Class did come by here on the way to their Christmas party and sing Christmas carols to Daddy. That was about as close to feeling like it really was Christmas as I have felt. In the vacuum of taking care of Daddy and trying to take care of myself, it just doesn't feel magical this year. And that's very depressing. There, I've said it out loud. Yes, I am depressed this Christmas, a feeling I have never experienced before on such a joyous holiday.

I never meant, when I started this blog, for it to turn into a place to wallow in self pity, but it sure seems more and more that's all I'm doing. I guess I could make excuses and call it therapeutic LOL. All I wanted to do was keep a running record of what it was like from day to day, for my own sake, and possibly to benefit someone else going through similar experiences with Parkinson's.

I was also hoping that by posting regularly, my keywords would attract other PWP through the Search Engines, and I could enjoy some conversations with other people going through the same things I am. That hasn't happened, either. Maybe it will in time, but right now the Page Rank of this blog is still zero. It's hard to move up through the Google ranks, and it takes time and patience.

So we take one day at a time, each one feeling pretty much like the day before, expecting the next to feel pretty much like today. It's a care giving rut that leaves no end in sight, because only God knows the outcome of all this. All we can do is our best from moment to moment.

Ahhh To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Thank goodness for Ambien. I called my Neurologist's nurse yesterday and explained the situation with Daddy. She called in the prescription, and I had a good night's sleep last night, for the first time in a week. Whew!! That felt good.

It will take me a few days to get over being so tired, I expect, but getting a good night's sleep will make a world of difference in what I can accomplish without being totally exhausted. Maybe I can even get back to practicing my Tai Chi in Daddy's living room. After going to all that trouble to learn it again, I sure don't want to forget it. And it's good for my balance and stamina, too.

I've been reading some articles lately that say Pilates is good for PWP (people with Parkinson's), so that may be the next thing I look into. I haven't been able to figure out from what I've read if these were specially modified Pilates classes or not. Of course, it would make a big difference if they were. Speaking of PWP, I've also found that Parkinson's folks call themselves Parkies. Ain't that cute? So I'm a PWP and a Parkie now.

One of the Hospice people tried unsuccessfully several times yesterday afternoon to call us from her cell phone. We live in the middle of nowhere, as far as cell coverage is concerned. "Can you hear me now" just won't work out here. In fact, we had Verizon, and dropped it, because we couldn't get it to work at all LOL. She never did come, and we never did get to talk to her, either.

I'm considering ordering DSL for here, so I don't have to depend on my cell phone while I'm on the computer. Plus, for some reason, the program our church uses for editing our website just won't let me FTP from here on dialup. It works fine at the house on DSL. I'm the church webmaster, and that has to be updated weekly.

As you may be able to tell, I'm in a pretty good mood today. It's been over a week since he fell, and we've developed somewhat of a routine. Now that I know I will be able to sleep, I feel like we can handle whatever comes, between the two of us. We've had plenty of care giving experience, and we have Hospice for support. Our daughters and church family will help where they can, and we have our faith in God to hold us in the good and the bad times. What more could we ask.

Your prayers and kind thoughts are always appreciated, too. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much!

Life's Unexpected Turns

This has certainly been a strange last couple of days for me. It started with my laptop suddenly getting the dreaded Blue Screen of Death over and over, for no apparent reason, right before Thanksgiving. We had all the family coming for dinner, and that meant moving all the eBay stuff out of the guest bedroom, so the grandkids could spend the night. That meant there was no time to work on the ole 'puter, so I had my first taste of computer withdrawal LOL.

I behaved myself, and only worked on the computer in between housework, as I found out very quickly that I have no stamina at all. I used to be able to move all the stuff quite easily, dust and vacuum, and generally straighten the house with no trouble, but not any more. It seemed like I needed to sit down every few minutes and catch my breath. Thank goodness my dear hubby was doing all he could to straighten up the place, and of course he did all the shopping.

Our family helped out a lot on Thanksgiving, instead of just coming and sitting down to the meal, the way they always have before. Our SIL cooked the turkey, and our daughters took care of the deserts, so DH fixed the vegetables, and I didn't have to do anything. It's just as well, as I woke up with those bad stomach cramps and the bloating again on Thanksgiving Day. I spent most of the day with a hot pad on my tummy, ate almost nothing at lunch, but did enjoy having everybody here. Daddy ate almost nothing, and no amount of prodding would get another bite in him. The kids were particularly good this year, as they stayed quiet all day. I asked DD if she had threatened them within an inch of their lives, but she said she hadn't said a thing to them. So they hadn't made Daddy nervous, as they sometimes do with their playful noise, so it didn't make sense that he wasn't eating.

We had a wonderful time enjoying getting to visit with everybody all at once, particularly since our older daughter and her hubby will be with his parents for Christmas this year. Younger daughter and the girls spent the night and didn't go home until Friday afternoon, so we did get on our other laptop and do some Wishlist shopping for the girls, so I'll have some things to pick from that they really want.

After such a pleasant day and a half, even with my stomach cramping, our whole world turned upside down when I got up to Daddy's to fix his supper Friday evening. I found him in the living room floor, conscious, but unable to get out of the floor. He was not hurt, evidently, and doesn't remember falling, but he'd been on the floor most of the day. Mind you, he has one of those "I've Fallen, and I Can't Get Up" buttons in his shirt pockets, but he wouldn't use it! I've never been able to get him to use it. No matter how many times I explain it to him, he thinks it's going to call an ambulance and take him to the hospital. But I have it set to call us, and then a neighbor, and only call the EMT's as a last resort.

So I called my DH, and he all but ran up there, and got him out of the floor, by the hardest. He was very weak, as he had not eaten since breakfast, and he's diabetic. We got some juice and a banana into him, and soon realized that he must have had a mild stroke, as his speech was slurred.

So, I've been taking care of him now for the last few days. He seems to be getting stronger, and his appetite is improving. His speech is still slurred and I'm being really careful to feed him thick foods like oatmeal, so he won't choke. I'm not sure what we will do today. It would be extremely difficult to take him to the doctor, and I'm not so sure it would accomplish anything if we did.

As for me, I can really tell the stress has put a strain on my Parkinson's meds. My balance is poor, because I'm really tired, and my back is bothering me from trying to help him stand up. Luckily, I've had lots of practice at care giving, and I do know the correct way to do things, body mechanics wise.

Daddy will be 102 in March, so it's going to be very difficult for him to recover from whatever happened Friday. He wants to stay home, and I want to be able to help him do that if it's at all possible. If I could be fairly certain that taking him to the doctor would get us some Hospice help, then it would be worth the trouble of getting him in and out of the car and the doctor's office.

Thoughts on Lingering at Death's Door

Another dear saint from our church family has gone on to be with her Lord today, after a long bout with cancer. The last month has been almost totally a vigil by family members, attending her wasting physical body's needs, while she was no longer aware of them. We've been through the same thing twice ourselves, with my mother and my FIL, and to a lesser extent, with my MIL, who died in Intensive Care, rather than at home under our care. Those last days, weeks, or months, as the case may be, are very hard on the family emotionally and physically, but after time has passed, I have found that those days actually help with the healing process of grief. You can look back and know that you were there with them in their final hours, that they were at home, where they wanted to be, with family near.

I've grown to be a much more spiritual person for having the privilege of watching three loved ones breathe their last breath on earth, knowing they were breathing their first in Heaven. I understand things on a different level now, not necessarily that I can articulate, but every thing and every one is appreciated more. I hug more. I cry more. I laugh more. I'm more.