Startle Reflex Does Me IN!!

Have you ever seen a small baby startle? Their whole body is involved, with arms and legs flailing wildly, looking like they can almost jump straight up off the table. Well, yesterday, I looked like that, and it was a very upsetting episode.

I've always been easily startled, so up until recently, I had not made the connection with my increased jumpiness and my PD. I've been attributing it to my insomnia. After reading about other PWP on the ParkinsonLikeMe site, I've come to realize that this phenomena is a fairly common PD symptom.

We were just finishing up eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant, when the people behind us must have been celebrating someone's birthday. Without any warning to me, because I had my back to them, the waiters had gathered at their booth and started singing loudly in Spanish. I jumped out of my skin. My heart was racing, and it was all I could do to hold the tears long enough to get out of there. Poor hubby was so angry that he all but threw the money for our meal at them, and he vowed we would never come in there again.

I was so upset, partly from still feeling the effects of such a powerful reaction, but also with myself, because I had reacted that way at all. I couldn't stop the tears, and remained very depressed the rest of the day. It completely spoiled our day out, and that's a shame. I can feel the tears welling up, even now as I write about it. Such a simple thing, but it really drove home just how much I have changed.

I read other's stories, like Dan's that I posted about today, and I'm ashamed of myself for being depressed over my little problems. But that only makes the depression worse. I can only pray for strength and make myself get up and do ... do something ... do anything... and not wallow.

Wonderful Weekend!

We used our Date Day Friday to work our way up toward Huntsville, where our younger DD's family lives. We haven't been to see them at their home since last Summer, thanks to all that's been going on with me and with my Daddy. So, we had a wonderful time getting to visit. We even got to watch our twin granddaughters play in their Softball game.

My knee behaved itself, although I was careful to use the cane up and down her steps and at the ball park. When we got home, I have a message to schedule the MRI, as insurance has already approved it. Our older DD has a couple of job interviews lined up, the Will stuff is moving along nicely, and our eBay sales have picked up, now that I'm listing new items almost every day.

We even had rain today, which was so badly needed around here.

Speaking of weather, however, reminds me to say a prayer for all those poor people who have lost everything - even their town - in the Midwest, from tornado damage. May God's hand be felt close to them. He's always there, but sometimes we just don't realize it. I pray that they will feel His strength and comfort in this horrible time they are all going through.

I'm sorry I've not been able to get back to reading everyone's blogs yet. It just seems like my list of things to do gets longer, instead of shorter! LOL And I do appreciate you checking on me, particularly since I'm not reciprocating.

I'll be calling my insurance company tomorrow to find out where I stand on the number of PT visits I'm allowed, but I do have a PT appointment for tomorrow, anyway.

I'm looking forward to a great week, and I hope you have one, too!

Tearful Thoughts for RUTH

I started trying to read and catch up on what's been happening on everyone's blogs last night, so a few of you friends you may have noticed a quick comment from me. I was grieved to read this morning that Ruth's dear hubby, Mick, passed away on April 6. His passing was peaceful, with family there to share this precious time with him. Ruth is now dealing with all that has to be done, after faithfully taking care of him for the almost two years since he was diagnosed with cancer.

There's just no way to put into words the depth of sorrow I feel for her, not so much that Mick's struggle is over, but that this horrible cancer had to strike such wonderful people to begin with.

She's sent me several e-postcards of late, just to let me know she was thinking of me. And all that time she was dealing with Mick's eminent death, which, of course, I did not realize at the time. It just makes her cards that much more precious to know that she was taking that time for me. That's just the kind of person she is!
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All Your Wonderful Thoughts & Prayers

There's just no way I can begin to tell you how much I've appreciated all the thoughtful comments you dear friends have been leaving, just to let me know you were thinking of me, and to express your condolences.

It's hard to know how to get started again, after so much has gone on, but I guess the best thing to do is just start ....

I'm more rested, we're dealing with the long To Do list that is involved in closing out Daddy's affairs, and I've had a birthday.

I'm still resisting changing my PD meds, as we started going to the local walking track this week. I want to give myself a chance to build back some strength through exercise and Tai Chi first. My right arm and knee are still bothering me, but I'm taking less and less pain meds, so they must be getting better.

When I said on my last post that one journey ended and another was beginning, I was referring to myself just as much as Daddy. DH and I have had someone to take care of almost constantly for the last 10 years or more. It's strange to be able to make plans without having to take someone else's needs into account.

I have lots to do to get back up to speed with our blogs, BLOG VILLAGE, and our online sales, but I'm not pressuring myself. I'll get it done gradually.

I look forward to getting back to reading all your great blogs that I've been missing, so bear with me, as it may be awhile before you see me commenting on everyone's posts.

Saying Goodbye

The Hospice nurse told me today that the nurse who stayed Saturday thought he had a heart attack that night. I had been guessing maybe two more weeks at the most, based on Daddy's refusal to let me put anything in his mouth. She told me to be thinking more like days. I've said my goodbye's, tried to finish the sentences he was struggling to get out, and he's ready - well past ready. I didn't have to hear the individual words to know the cadence of his "I wish this would hurry up and get over with," as I've been hearing that for some time now.

Saying goodbye is never easy, but our first Hospice experience taught us that it is important. Even if you don't think the person is aware enough to hear you, the loving words need to be said. And if they can't respond, you need to speak out loud for them, saying what you know they would say to you if they could. Not easy.

"I Want to Go Home Now"

The human mind is a fragile thing when age or the onslaught of disease takes its toll. Since we've already been Care Givers for my mother and DH's father, who both had Alzheimer's, we've heard many, many pitiful pleas and angry demands for us to take them "home." My Mama was in the hospital, with me there 24 hours a day for 35 days, recovering from a broken hip and going through rehab. She never could get straight in her head where she was, but I expected things to be better once I got her back into her own home.

I was very disappointed to find that she didn't know she was in her own home, when we did get her back there. Each day involved question after question about when we would be leaving, why wasn't I taking her home, who were these strange people, etc. No amount of reassuring her that she was home, and that the people were her family, would appease her. At one point she was in a panic, because she was worried about her dog being alone at the house, with no one to care for him. What could I say? She was remembering the house I had grown up in, and a dog I had as a little girl. So I had to play along that Cindy was being well taken care of, and for her not to worry.

We moved Pop out of his home, and moved him in with us. So his constant requests to go home at least made sense!

But I was not prepared to have these same conversations with my Daddy! He's old - VERY old - but has been more or less lucid most of the time, even after he fell on Thanksgiving weekend. Well, he's been lucid about everything EXCEPT that he was still in his own home! He's forever asking me for his cap and jacket, so we can head home.

I've come to the conclusion that what they all mean when they ask to go home is to go back to a time when they were in control. A time in their lives when they had privacy. A time when someone else did not pick out the clothes they would wear, or decide what they would have for lunch, or when it was bedtime. A time in their lives when they could still drive, take a walk around the block, or, in Daddy's case, cut the grass.

As Care Givers, we can do our best to keep them safe and comfortable physically, and we can even play along with their delusions at times, but the one thing we cannot do for them is to give them back that control over their own lives that they so long for.

My Daddy will be 102 in less than two weeks. His body becomes noticeably more frail each day, his speech has become all but nonexistent over the last few days, and we can get very little nutrition or fluids down him. It frustrates him to try to talk when he can't get the words out. He can no longer help us when we turn him in the bed. His days and nights are spent for the most part sleeping. Sure he wants to go home. Who wouldn't want to return to a better time??

I both rejoice and am deeply grieved that he soon will be truly HOME. Seeing my dear Mama again. Walking with a full strong stride. Enjoying seeing all the wonderful sights that his blind eyes have been missing for many, many years. Hearing the angelic choir in all its glory. And I betcha he'll be on a riding lawn mower keeping the yard cut!!!

I'm already grieving his loss. Just writing these last words has the tears flowing. But he's lived a long life, with much to be proud of and to enjoy. It's time for him to go home.