Misery Loves Doesn't Love Company

I am so counting the days until my appointment next week! The depression level I am feeling is so pervasive that I am not fit to be around right now. Hubby is doing what he can to leave me alone and not trigger another crying spell. Or worse, make me mad. We had an actual verbal fight last week, which is most unusual for us.

I knew when I worked in the basement while he was gone that he would be livid when he found out, but I did it anyway. I just needed to be "normal" for a little while so badly that I didn't care that it would cause a fight. He won't let me go down in the basement, because he is afraid I will fall. We do have a horrible mess down there, that needs cleaning out terribly, and I am much more impatient about it than he is.

I hate depending on someone else to get something done that I should be able to do myself. I hate being sick. I hate shaking. I hate being off balance. I hate being seen in public jerking all over the place. I hate using the cane and looking like each step is going to be my last. I hate looking old. I hate not being able to do any work in the yard long enough to accomplish anything.

But most of all I hate this horrible feeling that they are not going to find anything physically wrong with me, and that I am going to end up on some psychiatrist's couch or on mind altering drugs. This Clonazepam is bad enough. I looked up the side effects, and depression and loss of balance are right there in black and white. I'm taking a med to stop some of the very things it will give me - doesn't make much sense does it. I still have the strong mouth tics when I am the least bit upset, and my face is definitely beginning to contort, with right eyebrow high, left eyelid drooping over the eye, and mouth pulled to the left. It looks like I have had a stroke, and can't control the left side of my face, but it's actually quite the opposite, the muscles on the left pull it that way.

I did finally recuperate from the left leg weakness and pain left over from the EEG test, but my nerves have yet to settle back down from the super loud MRI last week. I'm crying at almost everything right now, and can't stand noise at all. The loud TV commercials are bothering me so badly that hubby has started hitting the mute button when they come on. Last Sunday, for some strange reason, the young fellow who runs our sanctuary sound system had some of "his" kind of religious music piping in the auditorium before church. As far as I know that has never happened before. People were talking louder than usual to be heard over the extra noise. I sat there for a few minutes, and then told hubby we had to leave. I just couldn't take it. So, we were some of the first folks at our favorite Chinese restaurant last Sunday. I went to church that night, and it was fine. But that morning was horrible.

I am not sleeping as well as I was, either. Some nights have been good, but there have been a few of the kind I used to have, where I am up at 3 or 4 in the morning. I am not using the TAP, as I just don't think I can deal with it right now. Somehow I just have to make it through until next Wednesday.

I've completely rearranged one of the bedrooms we keep part of our plush lovies stock in, and I have worked some in the yard, trying to get the area ready to plant grass where I worked on the lasagna compost all winter long. I'm trying very hard to stay busy and focused on something besides me, but it ain't workin'!!

Wow! That was quite a rant, even for me!! But it felt good to put it down on paper and acknowledge it. It's real, and I'm not exaggerating. Hopefully, I will be able to look back on this post soon and be thankful it is all over. I always cling to hope, even in my darkest despairing times. God is good. AMEN!

Had a New EEG Test Yesterday

I had my second EEG test yesterday, but my reactions to it were considerably different from the one I had two years ago. Back then, my Neurologist was trying to decide if I had Parkinson's or not. My only symptom at that time was a very labored, slow walk, that he called Bradykinesia. I did not have any problems with the EEG test at all.

Things have changed a good bit since then. Now I have lots of tremors, jerks, and facial tics, that only get worse if I am in a stressful situation, or cannot get my mind "somewhere else". I have discovered that when I am deeply concentrating on something, such as writing here on the computer, that the movements are quieted down considerably.

But put me in a situation that is the least stressful, or in one where I am just sitting with nothing actively going on, and I turn into the hurky jerky girl. Church is the usual place that happens. The only way to stop it that I have found is to go into a meditative state, finding some minute crack or spot on the wall to give my total attention to. It spaces me out, I don't hear the sermon, but at least I am not bothering all the people who sit behind us.

And now I know that it happens during EEG tests, too. With nothing to occupy my concentration, following her directions to do fast open mouth breathing for 3 minutes to make me hyperventilate, and some very uncomfortable series of strobe lights that made me feel even more stressed, there just wasn't any way to stop the jerks. The harder I tried to be still, as she had asked, the more I moved. She finally gave up and said at least it would let the doctors see what my brain was doing while my body was doing its own thing. She did tell me to open my mouth and stop pressing my lips together, so my mouth trembled and pulled to the left the whole time, too.

It took 45 minutes to complete the test, and I was exhausted the rest of the day.

The funny part was my hair!! They do not use the scull cap method, so each of these electrodes was stuck to my scalp with something like KY jelly. And there were lots of electrodes - maybe in the 20's? When she was through and told me to look in the mirror, I looked like something from a Monty Python movie. I smoothed my hair down as best I could, but would have loved to have walked out just as I was, so hubby could get a kick out of it. If he had been the only one in the waiting room I would have, but it was a very busy place.

We were set to drive some distance to a family funeral after the test, so I had anticipated the hair goo and planned to stop at any franchise hair salon along the way and get my hair washed. So that was easily enough taken care of. I am glad I knew to expect that, as it could have been a real problem if we had been running short on time. I didn't appreciate having to pay $12 just to get it washed and blown dry with no styling, but there wasn't anything else to do. I had also brought a complete change of clothes and shoes, so I would not have to take the test in good clothes.

We did get into a situation of some very expensive parking at UAB, though, that just added to the very expensive day. We parked in the closest parking deck to the Sparks Clinic at UAB, but they would not validate his ticket, since we had not used the "right" deck. Of course, they had not told me that I should park in any particular one when they called to tell me the appointment time. So, instead of costing $4.50 to park, it cost us $15.00!!! We were not at all happy about that!! UAB will be hearing from me about that today!!

When we did get to Cleveland, the little town in north Alabama where the funeral was going to be, we ate at a very nice looking local restaurant. Not surprisingly, considering the way the rest of the day had been, their prices were high. So, we took the lunch special of the day. The vegetables were great, but the meat was lousy. The waitress seemed genuinely shocked when hubby complained about it.

I really was worn out by the time the graveside funeral was over, so we begged off on eating at the church with the family and headed straight home. This was my sister in law's side of the family, so I really didn't know that many people there anyway, and I am not comfortable in unfamiliar social situations. I have always been that way, but it's gotten worse now that I jerk and twitch so much.

So we had a full day, one that I am glad to have over with. I have an appointment with Dr. Watt's team in May, with an MRI to be schedules before then, so I will have to wait that long to find out the results of the EEG. Should be very revealing, since I displayed the full range of all my jerks, tics, smirks, and shakes while the brain's electrical activity was being graphed.

I am optimistic that all these tests are going to show more than they did two years ago, and that they will be able to decide what is wrong with me with more certainty. Of course, I know there is no such thing medically in life as a certainty, but I can rely on God to get me through it all. Patience, Rosemary, Patience.

I Have Been to THE Appointment

Well, we went Thursday to see Dr. Watts, the head of Neurology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who has a great reputation as a Movement Disorder Specialist.

We were both very impressed with how personable he is. One of the other doctors on his staff did all of the preliminary questioning and testing. He was very easy to be with, too. Most of the tests were ones I have been asked to do many times in the last couple of years. A few were different. They both had me make big smiles with my teeth showing several times, which is not something I remember being asked to do by anyone else, and Dr. Watts had me repeat a few of the tests the assistant had already done.

They also gave me the impression that my family history of neurological problems is an important clue - mother with Senile Parkinson's or Alzheimer's - uncle with ALS - aunt with depression, drug addiction, alcoholism - grandfather was senile, possibly Alzheimer's? Until they asked lots of probing questions I had never connected my Grandfather's behavior and my Aunt's behavior as being pertinent. That's why doctors ask things over and over, isn't it.

Of course, they asked me a million questions about what my symptoms were like, and when and how they started, many questions asked several times. Some I could answer, and some I really couldn't. He was very interested in knowing about anti-depression and tranquilizer drugs I have taken in the past. I have been on several for short periods of time because of the stress of caring for our parents and our daughters, but I couldn't tell him much about which ones I have taken. I should be able to get that information from my Primary and from our Pharmacist, plus I rounded up a bunch of prescription bottles of them that I had kept - just in case.

Dr. Watts sat down right in front of me, looked me in the eye, smiled, and talked with me. I had no sense of him being in a hurry to move on to the next patient. That is so rare in doctors these days, and certainly not what I expected out of such a highly renowned specialist.

OK, so now to what happened. I put on quite a show of jerks, tremors, and facial tics the whole time, partly because I was so nervous about what they would find or not find. There is a big part of my mind that is just sure this has all been a psychological problem, but at least he never said that. At least not yet.

I gave a pint of blood in the lab (OK, so I'm exaggerating - but it was maybe 8 vials full), looking for some clue as to what is going on. He talked to me about the possibility of some kind of antibody/autoimmune problem where my own body is causing the problems. He also seemed to think it might be symptoms caused from one of the medicines I have taken in the past.

He has also ordered an MRI at UAB. He says their MRI equipment is different from others I have been in, in that it is more powerful and may see something that the others did not. Plus, it's been 2 years since I had a brain MRI, and whatever is going on might show up now that hadn't progressed enough to show back then. They will call me with that appointment, so I don't know when that will be.

He talked with his assistant, Dr. D, about lots of things it might be, with all kinds of medical jargon. Dr. D was jotting down notes the whole time and seemed to be making a list of possible diagnoses as they discussed my symptoms. Every once in awhile Dr. Watts would ask me to do something or ask more questions. It was exactly like watching a real live "HOUSE" team in action. When he was through talking back and forth with Dr. D, Dr. Watts gave us a layman's explanation of some of the possibilities. I am not going to list them, since obviously they can't all be it, and maybe even none of them are "it". I did come home and get busy Googling every term I could remember hearing them discussing. You knew I would do that, didn't you. LOL!

He did put me on a titrating dose schedule of Clonazepam, to see if that would calm down the jerks and tics. He said I would be sleepy with it at first, but that this would wear off as my body adjusted to it. I am to take 1/2 tablet at night for a week, then morning and night, and work up to 1 full and 2 halves a day. I have an appointment to see someone else in the practice in May to go over the findings. He said that Dr. D and Dr. Watts would be in on the conference with us at that time.

At this point about all I do know is that it is looking less and less likely that I have Parkinson's, but that I do have some type of Movement Disorder as yet to be named.

We've not told family or friends about all this yet. They know I had the appointment but not why I had it. We decided there was no point in making anyone else worry about all this. We will wait until we actually know something to tell them. I can write it all here, which helps me process it all, because nobody I know personally reads this blog.

Re-Testing Peripheral Neuropathy Monday

I see the MDS specialist the first week of April, so it seemed like a good idea to ask for a Neuropathy test before I see him. When I first saw my Neurologist, it was at the suggestion of my Orthopedist, who had concluded that my super labored walking was not caused by lumbar disk pressure.

He sent me to Lakeshore to have the Nerve Conduction Velocity Test, which uses patches like those they stick on the chest to check for heart problems. They pass an electric current and check to see how long it takes the message to register between the patches. It's uncomfortable at the time, but not really too bad. The other test is called Electromyography. That's the one where they poke electrodes the size of needles in your muscles, and it is supposed to show how well the muscles respond when the nerve is stimulated. That test is not at all comfortable. I actually had little pin prick size blood spots all over my legs when that one was over.

Anyway, the results showed definite Axonal Peripheral Neuropathy, mostly in my right leg. Because I was having trouble walking, and the test order came as a result of my Ortho dealing with my back and legs, he did not order the test to be done on my arms as well.

My Neuro was not at all happy that he did not have results for my arms as well as my legs, but he proceeded with the info he had, as my insurance would not likely have paid for a repeat test so soon.

So, I talked to his nurse a couple of days ago, and I'm scheduled to have the complete PN test battery Monday, at my "suggestion" - translate that as strong urging. This test is very uncomfortable, but it seems to me I need to get any tests done now, not wait and "waste" the visit with this very hard to see Head of Neurology at UAB.

I'm still experimenting with any variables I can think of. so, for the last four days I have not used the TAP dental device, which is to control my mild Sleep Apnea. The mouth tics started about the same time I started using the TAP, and I'm trying to be sure that this off and on again mouth twitching I've been doing is not being aggravated by the mouthpiece. Surprisingly, I'm still sleeping 7 or 8 hours a night, even without it. I think it did break me of the mouth breathing habit, which may be the cause of the relaxed jaw that was allowing my throat to close up during sleep.

I have noticed a definite correlation between the mouth twitches or tics and how stressed or tired I am. So they get worse as the day goes on. If I stop to think about them, I can stop them momentarily, but it's as if my mouth is determined to move, no matter what I do, and it soon starts back up again.

I figure I'll make sure Monday that there aren't any other tests I should have done, or repeat, before seeing Dr. Watts at UAB. I have to call his office to change my insurance information to show that Medicare is my Primary insurance now, as this is the month I turn 65. So I will talk to his nurse and see if they suggest any other tests. I have learned to be proactive in such situations. It amazes me that doctor's offices don't initiate this kind of pre-visit planning, but they don't.

By way of contrast, when we made an appointment with a financial counselor to help us with investing my inheritance, we received a huge packet of papers to fill out and a long list of documents to bring with us for our first meeting. That's the way it should be with doctors, in my opinion.

So, I will do what I can to document everything and have everything ready for this crucial visit. I can't even talk to someone about Long Term Care insurance, or anything insurance related, until I have a diagnosis. No insurance company in their right mind would take me on as a customer right now.

Tax Time is looming, and that's one thing I am dreading doing, but I can't put it off much longer. Oh, did you know that people who file an extension will NOT receive this stimulus package $300 thingy they all keep talking about? I have always filed on time, but I know some people habitually delay it, and might need to know that.

I continue to work to get our inventory of plush lovies online, and we have managed to help several families get replacements for lost toys lately, which is extremely satisfying. I'm also helping to beta test a new Mood community on Patients Like Me, and finding the charting of my own moods to be interesting.

I may be twitching, but I am in a good mood today, and that's a great way to end this post.

Twitching Along ....

We went on our usual Date Day today and visited three Estate Sales. Two were complete duds, but the last one was fun. It was an old country house chock full of a lifetime of collecting all kinds of odds and ends. We both enjoyed ourselves there, and then we stopped by our usual Thrift Store haunts in that area and found enough plush lovies to more than make the day break even. It's fun having a hobby that pays for itself, plus helps other people, too.

We had our second meeting yesterday with our new Financial Adviser, in the process of deciding how to best protect our future and be sure there is money in place to take care of our needs. Our daughters know that we do not want to go to a Nursing Home, but realistically we can't assume they will be in a position to keep one or both of us at home, the way we did our parents. That's way too much a burden to blithely assume someone else will tackle. That means considering Long Term Care Insurance and putting money aside to pay for in home care if at all possible. We've paid out enough over the last ten years to know what is involved, and it's certainly not cheap.

He went over several different options with us, and I was having a really hard time following the differences, pros, cons, etc. So was hubby. We asked lots of questions, some several times, and he patiently went over each concern. We left with several brochures, still not sure of what we need to do. We'll see him again next week, after he's had time to pursue the options we were most interested in. There will be a Long Term Care expert at our next meeting, too.

We won't be able to settle some arrangements until I have a diagnosis. After all, what new insurance company would insure me for anything when my own doctor can't say what is wrong with me! So, for now I am stuck with the insurance I already have, and we can only do the research for more appropriate kinds.

Did I say stress makes my twitches and tremors worse? Yep, you guessed it. By the time we left I was grimacing and shaking like I was keeping time to some peppy music. Hubby even asked me if I was doing my hand on purpose, because it really did look like I was in tempo with the CD. But no, it was my body doing its own little dance duet. I "cured" the nerves the way I always do ...CHOCOLATE!!! Hubby knows what to do, so we stopped and I gorged on brownies. Better than any tranquilizer I have ever used, as there is no spaced out feeling afterwards. ;)

Still Doing Without Parkinson's Meds

I've been off all PD meds now since Jan. 25, and not doing a whole lot differently now than I was when I was on the meds. That has several possible meanings, so it really doesn't tell me much.

It could mean that I don't have PD.
It could mean that I have PD, and I'm one of the people who is not helped by the usual or any meds.
It could mean that these symptoms are related to lumbar and cervical disk problems I have.
It could mean that it's all in my head - that it's psychosomatic.
It could mean I do have some kind of neurological problem that has not been determined at this point.
It could be that these symptoms are from the Peripheral Neuropathy that I definitely have.

Whatever it means, I'm certainly not able to decide, so I continue to count the days until I see the MDS in April.

I have had several "spells" lately when I felt particularly stressed emotionally. Trying to get our taxes done, and dealing with my insurance company about the TAP claim both increased my symptoms.

But the worst was last Sunday during Sunday School. Our teacher was not there, but had left an outline of what she wanted us to discuss. We've done this before, as we are quite capable of carrying on a discussion on our own. For some reason, though, we weren't getting anywhere with the discussion, so they asked me to lead it. These are people I'm used to being around, I taught Sunday School for a long time before I had to stay home with parents, and I taught school for 29 years. Leading it meant moving from the back row I normally sit on, and sitting in front of everyone, instead. Trying to lead the discussion up front brought on the facial tics big time, and I was shaking much more than usual. The worse it got, the more self conscious I became of them seeing me jerk and shake, and that made it just that much worse. I finally just told them I needed to stop, because it was making me too nervous. Time was almost up, anyway, so that was the end of class.

It took me a long time to relax after that, and just thinking about it now is bringing back some of the stress.

I really don't think my symptoms are psychosomatic, but there's no doubt that stress makes them worse. That's why I'm usually at my worst at the Neurologist's office.

I've just bought a new laptop computer, and this one has the built in camera. I took a notion the other day to video myself while I worked at the computer. It was a very revealing look at my facial tics, even when I am busy and not particularly aware of them. Maybe I should save some videos and take my computer with me to the MDS appointment. Well, probably not, but I may keep some for myself, anyway.

Hubby and I talked about how I've been doing lately, and he is in agreement that I really don't seem much different off of the meds than I was when I was on them.

I continue to use the TENS device for my neck pain, as well as the Cervical Collar that I pump up, so it works like traction. I'm also doing the series of neck exercises daily, but we haven't started back to walking yet. Hubby is having a bad flareup with his back, and he's just not up to it right now. So, I piddle with the compost heap a couple of hours a week, and I am still working hard to get all our toys online in our shop catalog. That involves a good bit of shifting and lifting of tubs of toys, so I am getting some exercise each day.

All in all, I'd say my quality of life is better than a few months ago, at least, and for that I am grateful.

Odd Physical Therapy Today

I went to PT this morning, and they did start me on some exercises, all for my arms. The first few were fairly easy, but then she had me pushing down with what seemed like more resistance than the others were set for. I stopped at the first set of ten on that one, instead of doing two sets of ten the way I had done all the others.

Then I moved to the pulley rope, which I've done before with other therapy, and it's always fairly easy, unless you just can't raise your arms. I had no trouble with that at all. Problems came when I stood up from that one, though.

I woke up this morning trembling more than usual, and getting into the cold car this morning just made it worse. And then I did all this new exercising on top of that. I guess everything just worked together to bring major big time tremors in my legs and arms, all at the same time. I was frozen in place, unable to move, because I was just not in control at the moment. The Aide immediately pulled a chair over for me, and I didn't do any more exercises. They hovered over me for awhile, with me assuring them that I was OK, that it would ease off on its own, that there wasn't anything they could do, and I really was OK.

After I convinced them that I was not going to fall, they moved me to the room where they do the ultrasound and heat therapy with the TENS machine, and everything went as usual. About half way through all that, the tremors settled down to just the usual quiver in my right arm and leg.

The only thing I can think of is that using the machine that was apparently set with too much resistance for me to handle just used up the dopamine I had available for a little while. It will be interesting to see if I can find anything to agree or disagree with my hypothesis.

It's been a shaky afternoon, and I just gave in to my chocolate craving - that's my way to deal with stress, as any chocoholic will tell you. And my neck is sore, but not painful, from the exercise. But at least I'm walking around about like usual - maybe a little shakier, but not much.

She told me I have 3 more visits before I have to see the Orthopedist again, so I need to make that appointment. I should have done it today, but I'm in one of those procrastinating moods today, and I just didn't feel like doing it. These moods don't make any sense, but I get into them every once in awhile. Things that happen like this morning seem to bring this apathy on, like everything is just too much trouble. It's stupid, I know, but it's just the way I get at times. I'll snap out of it, just as the shakes finally stopped. Just takes a little time.

Tomorrow is Date Day, and it will be a better day. I'm sure of it!

Back on the PD Meds

I considered not going back on the meds, but we will be out of town for Christmas, and it didn't seem prudent to have even a slight possibility of ending up in a strange ER. So I stuck with the original plan, and went back on the full PD regimin yesterday afternoon.

It was very interesting to see what my right foot did last night when I got ready to go to sleep in my recliner. It must mean something, and I wish I had a video of it to show my doctors.

The toes and ball of my foot cramp sometimes very painfully, and no amount of pressure will make it stop. Hubby will get up and stand in front of my recliner, and I will push my foot into his thigh, which normally stops the cramp pretty well. But last night, each time he released the pressure, the cramp started again. At one point, when I thought it had quit, I moved my leg away from the pressure, and my foot went into this exaggerated flopping back and forth, up and down, and sideways. I had no control over it at all. It didn't hurt, and it looked so funny that I started laughing. Hubby thought I was doing it on purpose, and was surprised when I told him I wasn't. You should have seen the look on his face. Then, in an attempt to stop it, I pressed my foot into the recliner. At that point, my knee started bobbing up and down, as if to say, "You can't stop ME!" It was so funny that both of us ended up having a great big laugh out of it all. And then, just as suddenly as it had started - it stopped all on its own.

So again, I ask myself - if not Parkinson's - then what in the world could make my body act like that????? The only explanation that makes any sense to me is that this is all psychosomatic, and there is nothing really wrong with me at all. No, I don't think I am going crazy, but the mind can play terrible tricks on the body. Just think about the Stigmata - that someone's palms could bleed. I know there is such a thing as hysterical paralysis, so I don't put anything past what my mind could be doing to control my body. Yes, I spent the last 10 years or so under great stress, taking care of parents and our older daughter. And, our daughter was hospitalized with, of all things, Peripheral Neuropathy! Not that my symptoms look like she did, but it does seem odd that I would be diagnosed with a neurological disorder not too many months after taking care of her.

I've had this conversation with myself before, about this whole thing possibly being psychosomatic, way back in August of 2006. And here I am, a year and a half later, still wondering.

Doing Without PD Meds Today

I just have to answer this one for myself, before I drive myself crazy. I didn't take my last PD med last night, and I haven't had any this morning. It will take awhile for the meds to flush out of my system, but I need to know what I look like without them. It's just like most of the meds you see advertised on TV. Take this pill to stop twitching, but oh, by the way, this pill can cause twitching!!! So, if I didn't need them, they would give me the same symptoms as someone who did need them. Like I said, my brain is going around in circles over this, so I may not be making good sense right now.

I'm going to be in the house all day today, and I wanted to settle my mind on this before it was Christmas. It wouldn't do me any good to try to wait until after the New Year to experiment, because I start physical therapy for my neck on Jan. 2, and I sure wouldn't want to be playing around with my dosages then.

Of course I am still on all the other meds I take, for my digestive system, allergies, and bone density, plus the vitamins and herbs for general health and anti-oxidant benefits. Who knows, maybe that's all I need to be on, anyway. I hope to find out with this little experiment.

We will be spending time with our older daughter and son-in-law here in town Christmas Eve, and then we'll drive to our younger daughter's home to spend with our grandchildren and her hubby. Then, a few days later, we'll be driving back for our grandson's birthday.

I don't want this nagging doubt hanging over me. I want to enjoy this family time, and the celebration of the birth of Jesus, without obsessing over this, the way I have the last few days. So, it's do without today, and maybe tomorrow, too, or wait until February or so. And I just emotionally can't wait that long. Did I say that patience is not one of my virtues?

Still Having Problems, But I'm Sleeping Longer!

I have managed to "stay in bed" for over 7 hours now 4 nights in a row. I wish I could say that means I was asleep the whole time, but that hasn't happened yet. It is still a considerable improvement, however. The last pill I take at night is the Bentyl, which is supposed to calm my colon and prevent the spasms that have been plaguing me for so long. It is an antidepressant, so I suspect that may be at least part of the reason I've been able to delay getting up as well as I have been. I continue to wear the TAP each night, so maybe it's a combination of both of them. Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it.

I've spent the last three days trying to overcome the stiffest neck I've ever had in my life. It started Wednesday evening, out of nowhere. I could feel the neck muscles all tensed up, and it was impossible for me to turn either way more than a couple of degrees. I tried the hot pad, plus took some Tylenol, and hoped I would sleep it off. I also did not wear the TAP that night, thinking that might make it worse. It was still extremely tight and painful all day Thursday, but I did go back to wearing the TAP. Nothing seemed to make it go away. It was considerably better by Friday, although I did take some Arthritis Strength Tylenol to get to sleep. Now, I am able to turn my head both ways maybe 45 degrees each way before the pain stops me.

I'm not really sure where this spasm came from. I did work out in the yard Wednesday more than I have been, and I could have over done it there. Or, it could be that I have turned the TAP screw past what my jaw can handle. Just in case it was the TAP, I backed up several turns on it to give my jaw muscles a rest.

I did get my flu shot this week, with no side effects at all. And I made sure the nurse put the information in my records about Celestone causing me to have such a horrible Parkinson's episode. I have not yet returned to the state I was in before the steroid shot, so I guess I won't be getting back to that point. It's been too long now. If I were going to recover completely, I would have by now.

I am still having those weird spaced out episodes after lunch mostly. I've tried eating meat, not eating meat, staying away from any protein, eating normally, eating things I'm not supposed to eat, like pizza, and eating very carefully selected IBS foods. Nothing seems to be an obvious trigger, so I'm left to think it is the medicine itself doing it. That would be the noon dose of Levadopa/Carbidopa (Sinemet). I'm not sure why I have more trouble with the noon dose, as I take this med with all three meals. It remains a puzzle.

I've been working hard on several computer projects lately, so I'm behind on listing items on eBay. I have got to get that done today, though, as we are being squished by all the bags of plush toys packed into our two spare bedrooms. LOL We buy them faster than I can sell them!!

So, I guess it's time to quit blogging, and start taking some photos!!

7+ Hours Sleep Again!

I was able to stay in the recliner for over 7 hours last night! I'm still getting up several times to go the bathroom, but at least now I'm able to get back to sleep. I figure I'll try turning the screw to advance my lower jaw maybe one or two more nights, and that should be enough. I'm making the Sleep Study appointment today to see if it's controlling the Sleep Apnea properly. If it's not, I can always advance it some more while they monitor it, until I find the right spot.

I will get an appointment for the flu shot today, too.

I'm also going to make an appointment with a Dermatologist today. I don't want to ignore the fact that Parkies have a higher rate of Melanoma than the general population. Particularly since I've inherited a tendency to have lots of moles, some quite large, from both of my parents.

I've never been to a Dermatologist before, but I've learned my lesson and intend to get one who uses the hospital I like. There is a lady Dermatologist associated with my preferred hospital, and I think I would be more comfortable having every square inch of me examined by her, rather than by a man.

My inability to control my emotions is still a very aggravating problem. I started looking for some important insurance paper work this morning, and couldn't find it. I've kept up with that stack of papers for several years now, but when I started to make a phone call referring to it, it was nowhere to be found. After searching everywhere I might have filed it, then looking in places I should not have filed it, I fell apart. Blubbering like a baby and getting DH all upset trying to console me. This awareness of my mental abilities deteriorating right before my eyes is extremely disconcerting.

I finally did find the insurance papers I needed, stuffed in the file folder with the information about Pop's monument that I had worked on the same day I had been working on the insurance. This is some paperwork left over from when DH's Pop died, as we were the executor of his estate, too. Not long after he died my dear hubby had colon cancer surgery, so some of the less urgent parts of settling Pop's estate just got pushed to the background. Now I'm trying to finish all of it up, and get my Daddy's all finished, too.

So, all in all, it's been a productive day, as I was able to get done what needed to be done toward cashing the insurance policy, and I'm going to call and make the appointments just as soon as the doctors' offices get back from lunch.

Once this insurance policy is dealt with, the only things left to take care of are the monuments. Pop's should have already been engraved, so when I talked to the cemetery people, they were extremely apologetic that it had not already been done. And I haven't even started on getting Daddy's information added to the headstone.

I'll be glad to have all this paperwork finished! Daddy's estate will get out of probate at the end of November, and I need to be through with everything by then, so I can quit stressing over it.

Startle Reflex Does Me IN!!

Have you ever seen a small baby startle? Their whole body is involved, with arms and legs flailing wildly, looking like they can almost jump straight up off the table. Well, yesterday, I looked like that, and it was a very upsetting episode.

I've always been easily startled, so up until recently, I had not made the connection with my increased jumpiness and my PD. I've been attributing it to my insomnia. After reading about other PWP on the ParkinsonLikeMe site, I've come to realize that this phenomena is a fairly common PD symptom.

We were just finishing up eating at our favorite Mexican restaurant, when the people behind us must have been celebrating someone's birthday. Without any warning to me, because I had my back to them, the waiters had gathered at their booth and started singing loudly in Spanish. I jumped out of my skin. My heart was racing, and it was all I could do to hold the tears long enough to get out of there. Poor hubby was so angry that he all but threw the money for our meal at them, and he vowed we would never come in there again.

I was so upset, partly from still feeling the effects of such a powerful reaction, but also with myself, because I had reacted that way at all. I couldn't stop the tears, and remained very depressed the rest of the day. It completely spoiled our day out, and that's a shame. I can feel the tears welling up, even now as I write about it. Such a simple thing, but it really drove home just how much I have changed.

I read other's stories, like Dan's that I posted about today, and I'm ashamed of myself for being depressed over my little problems. But that only makes the depression worse. I can only pray for strength and make myself get up and do ... do something ... do anything... and not wallow.

Earliest UNDIAGNOSED Symptoms of Parkinson's Disease????

Hi Rosemary

First I want to thank you for taking the time to blog. You may not be aware of important I find it to hear others Parkinson's and day to day life experiences. I appreciate it very much.

I am writing to you because my interest in PD came because I began having symptoms which I suspected might be PD. Fortunately my symptoms are very irregular and inconsistent and not at all affecting my ability to function. The Neurologist I am seeing is not good and is pretty much dismissing my symptoms as nothing. This is fine with me or maybe wishful thinking. I will have resting tremors in my left thumb on occassion as well as jerking limbs, and muscle trembles throughout my body, weakness, etc. Again there are very inconsistent and really could be normal daily problems or another issue. I am very much into Holistic and Natural health so have been doing many things to minimize or slow and potential problem I have. I am 45

I started looking for blogs to see what people reported as initial symptoms long before they were diagnosed with PD. I suspect my symptoms maybe be things people have looked back after they were diagnosed and say yeah, now I remember I had problems long before I realized there were problems. I cannot find such a blog and I am really curious as to when you reflect on your past, when did small signs begin to show up and just ignored or dismissed them. Or whether you had inconsistent symptoms at first. I could be completely wrong, I have no idea!

So after that long winded explanation I have a request. If you have the energy and time at some point, I would like to see a blog from you of your very early years working up to PD. No pressure and no hurry. It would be very much appreciated.

Keep up the blogs and my prayers are always with you

Ted C

Ted wants me to try to look back and pinpoint some of the earliest signs that may have been Parkinson's symptoms that the doctors missed. I've mentioned several things in other posts about what I now believe were warning signs that were not detected. I'm not criticizing the doctors about this, as hindsight is always better than foresight. There's absolutely no way of knowing if I'm correct on any of the possible signs or not, but I'll try to list as many things as I can remember that were puzzling at the time and went undiagnosed or ignored.

I really do have back problems that are unrelated to Parkinson's, as I have Degenerative Disk Disease. There have been many trips to different doctors over the years with back pain and weakness in my legs. There were times as long ago as 15 to 20 years ago when I was walking slower than my parents, who were in their 80's at the time. Doctors were able to alleviate the pain with epidurals, but the walking problem always gradually disappeared on its own and then returned just as mysteriously.

I've had spells of mental fog for many years, which I always blamed on female hormone problems, as I was very young when I had a complete hysterectomy, or on the stress of teaching and later as a caregiver. I was on hormone replacement therapy all that time, though.

I had a diagnosis of Functional Dysphonia while I was still teaching, which means that I could not talk at all, but it was supposed to be psychosomatic. The doctor attributed it to stress. I had bouts of severe laryngitis over a period of many years. I had always been in the choir at church, but about 15 years ago I reached a point where I could not sing through a verse without feeling like I was being strangled, with someone squeezing tightly around my neck. My breath volume was greatly diminished, too.

I went through several years of Migraine Headaches. The Neurologist I was seeing at that time found that I had a positive Babinsky reaction, which means my toes didn't do what they should have when he scraped along the bottom of my bare foot. He concluded that I had probably had one or more concussions from childhood falls. He did not cure the headaches, but the episodes finally slacked off on their own.

I had a very scary episode about 15 years ago in which my left arm went totally to sleep one night while I was watching TV. It took a lot of massaging and soaking in hot water to finally get feeling back in it. When I went to the doctor about it, she diagnosed me as having Mitral Valve Prolapse. Some years later, I had an echo cardiogram, and there was no indication of MVP. I still have to be careful that I don't keep my hand too still when we drive for any distance, as it will still go to sleep. The same thing happens in the dentist's chair. These symptoms are probably from a spur on a cervical vertebra, but who knows??

One symptom that I had never gone to a doctor with was the way I would think I was smiling when my picture was taken, only to see that my face was blank when I saw the photo later. That is a definite Parkinson's trait, and it's been something that I was aware of for many years.

There may be other symptoms that I'll think of later, but I've read this post to my DH, and he's in agreement that these are an accurate list of some of the puzzling things that have happened to me over the years. I hope other Parkies will contribute to this post, too, so it will be as informative as possible.

43rd Wedding Anniversary!

How about that! Yesterday we celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary. We've actually been seriously in love since 1960, but we waited for me to graduate from college before we got married. I wouldn't recommend that long an engagement to anyone, but getting my education was important, and it's helped our family financially all these years.

We went to a movie and ate out and generally enjoyed being with each other, as we always do. I would wish that all marriages could last so long with so much love still there after all the years.

It did get me out of the house and away from all these estate issues. We'll go to the bank today and open the ESTATE bank account and change over all the CD's to our name. That will be a couple of more things I can then cross off my task list, which is a very satisfying thing to do.

What with all the stuff we've been cleaning out of Daddy's house, I finally got up the gumption to clean out Pop's closet at our house. My FIL lived with us the last few years of his life, and when he died, I just couldn't bring myself to deal with his clothes. They weren't really in my way, so I put it off. Well, now I need the closet to store some of Mama and Daddy's stuff until we can sell it on eBay, so all of Pop's things are bagged up and ready to give to the Thrift Store. I will have to get the name tag labels out of everything, though, as he was in an Assisted Living home his last year, and everything is marked.

I've finally worked our eBay store back up to 250 items listed, which is about all we can afford at one time. Maybe now some other things on my To Do list can move up the line.

I did sleep longer last night, but it was because I took a Darvocet last night. The movie gave me a headache, plus I was generally achy all over. I think I've been over doing it lately, trying to box a lot of things up. Doing a lot more leaning over and picking things up than I have in a long time, and my muscles are complaining about it. Walking is great, but it doesn't take care of all the muscle groups. I have been doing some simple arm exercises with the 1 lb weights, and I've gone back to doing all the neck and shoulder exercises that the Physical Therapist put me on some years ago for the degenerated disk in my neck. I continue to do the Tai Chi, as well, so I'm really trying to build up my muscle tone. I do have a set of exercise videos that I bought several years ago, but that means getting down on the floor. Getting down isn't the problem .. getting back up is! LOL So, I'm postponing using them for awhile. I figure by the time the weather turns cold I'll be strong enough to get up and down safely.

We're still waiting for them to start work on our new garage, as we special ordered everything to match our house. I'm getting antsy, seeing that beautiful driveway and slab, with no building going on. But it will come, sometime soon. I just need to be patient.

Our older DD and SIL have moved into Daddy's house, in the midst of quite a mess. I'm glad it's them and not us!! But youth puts up with stuff that age can't or won't. We're working as hard as we can to empty the house of all of my parent's things, but it's a slow go.

So, I continue to stay busy, improving little by little each day. Crossing things off my list reduces my stress level, so I rejoice every time I finish one small part of this huge undertaking. Some days I have to hunt for something to feel positive about, but I work hard at staying optimistic. Thanks to all of you dear friends for your encouragement!!!!

Nerve Wracking Day!!

We settle on the mortgage on Daddy's house Friday, and Monday and Tuesday were a whirlwind of activity trying to get everything done no one thought to tell us about until the last minute! We found out Saturday that we had to have an Alabama Wood Infestation Report ready for Closing! That left a mad rush to find someone Monday who would come out immediately and have it ready in time. The people that the mortgage lady recommended said they would get in touch with me yesterday to set up an appointment, but they never called. So, I called someone more local and they agreed to come right then!! When I called the first place back to cancel, she said OK and HUNG UP!! No business sense of being polite at all. And they don't know that we intended to get two Termite bonds with them, when time permitted!! Now the nearby business will get that money. HA!!

Then, yesterday, we went to the bank to open an account to receive the estate money, something the tax lawyer had told us to do. Lo and behold, we found out we had to have an Employer Identification Number for the ESTATE!! When I went online to try to find what was needed, the IRS.gov site was just as confusing as it had been when I looked at it right after Daddy's death. So, I called, went through menu hell, and finally talked to several VERY NICE PEOPLE!! What a pleasant surprise. They helped me get the right form and helped me fill it out, and I was able to get the EIN right then. One of them also recommended that I get the publication no. 559, dealing with settling an estate. I've ordered it, and thought some of you might be interested in getting one, too. From what I can tell from the online version of it, it would have been very helpful back when I started all this.

We also found out at the bank that I will need a copy of the will in order to transfer Daddy's CD's over into my name. That sounds simple enough, right? Nothing is simple, when it comes to this stuff. You see, we don't have the will any more. I called our lawyer niece when we got home to ask her if she was through with it, and she told me that our County has it until after Probate, which is like 5 months from now!! But, she was able to FAX a copy to our bank with the court seal on it. Just one more thing to deal with.

We had tried earlier in the day to deal with a newbie on eBay from France who had paid us with a Western Union transfer, a payment method we don't accept. Since he was new, we decided to try to cash it. I had to go online to find the nearest place that would take care of it, and when we went there, the number wouldn't work. After calling the Western Union representative from the phone at their booth in the store, we found that the name on the eBay sale and the amount of the transfer didn't match with the correct information. So ... I've written him, hoping eBay will translate correctly, and told him to get a refund and pay us the way we state in the auction.

This was all just too much stress for me yesterday, and I broke down right in the bank. I managed to keep the tears to a minimum, so I don't think anyone but DH new just how unhinged I was. By the time I had dealt with the IRS to get the form filled out properly, I was on a chocolate crave that couldn't be denied!! Hubby came to the rescue, went to the store and bought me two big Hershey bars, and I promptly ate both of them!!

It's no wonder that I'm writing this at 3 o'clock in the morning!! Hopefully, when some of this stuff is finished with, I'll be less stressed and my body will let me sleep. I sure hope so. I'm really not a worrier, so it's not like I'm lying there in the middle of the night thinking about all this stuff, because I'm not!! But it's taking its toll, anyway.

Insomnia Is on the Prowl AGAIN

Looks like the Requip has my bout with insomnia going full force again. I didn't get to sleep until after 11 last night, but I've been wide awake since 2:30 this morning. It's been pretty much like this now ever since I started back on this particular medicine. I do have some sleeping pills, but I've resisted taking them, hoping my system would adjust. But tonight, I will definitely be taking one.

I do get a lot done when I'm in one of these moods, though! ROTFL I'm just about ready to change the listings on all our current eBay items to reflect all the changes the Post Office is making in Rate Classifications and prices. Just a word of warning to all of you .... don't be surprised if it costs considerably more to get something mailed to you from now on. The PO has really raised their prices tremendously, for some package situations as much as 700%!!!!

We bought a pedometer for me the other day, but I'm not convinced that it is counting every step I take. If it is, I'm not moving nearly enough in a day. DH isn't having any trouble at all going over 10,000 steps a day, and I barely went over 1,000!

My exercise program is coming along nicely, though, and my legs continue to gain in strength. I've been trying to understand exactly how to improve my posture and gait, based on the Chi Walking book I mentioned several posts ago. I wish I had someone who could just show me how, instead of trying to figure it out from pictures and words. I really don't have a very good kinesthetic sense .. in other words, it's hard for me to really tell where my body is. But that's nothing new .... I've always been that way, even as a child. I remember struggling to try to learn how to do a summersalt, and giving up finally. The Tai Chi routine does help me to be aware of where my body position is, and I've started doing that when we go to the track. DH walks 2+ miles in the time it takes me to do all my exercises, walk a quarter mile, and do my Tai Chi, with maybe a little time left over to clean out the car of all the junk it seems to accumulate so quickly, or to read a little. It's a great way to start the day off, with a feeling of accomplishment right off the bat.

So far, the only obsessive behavior I've noticed is that my craving for chocolate has gotten out of hand again. I did without any for such a long time, but when Daddy died I went back to eating it every day. I'm not supposed to eat it at all, because of the GERD I have. I'm really very good about avoiding everything else the Gastroenterologist has put on my banned list, but when I'm stressed for depressed, I have to have my chocolate. Nothing else will satisfy that craving. And I've always been that way. I can remember getting into trouble as a child on more than one occasion, because Mama would go to bake a cake, and I had eaten the bitter dark chocolate in the refrigerator. So when I read things about how chocolate contains chemicals that relieve stress, I believe it!

Standing MRI & A New Friend

I had the standing MRI yesterday, and that was quite a bit different from the lying down kind. First of all, it would be much better for anyone who is claustrophobic, as I was not closed in, and they actually had a big screen TV set up so I could watch it.

As far as my procedure was concerned, it was not very comfortable. The whole point was to take the MRI while I was putting weight on the knee, so I had to stand at about a 60 or 70 degree angle, I would guess, and be very still for about 30 minutes. By the time it was over my knee was really complaining, but it was worth every moment of it, if it gets them a better idea of what's going on in there. I still don't expect it to be torn cartilage, but soon I will know. Their brochure showed pictures of regular MRI views vs their stand up kind, with obvious disk problems that didn't show up when the patient was lying down. I may ask for that kind the next time I have to have one on my neck or back, for just that reason. I'll see the Orthopedist next week to get the report on it.

I've added the beginnings of a section on Radial Neuropathy to my side bar, not because I have that, but because I've recently started emailing back and forth to a new friend who has it. She and I live in the same small town, I taught her husband, know her MIL, and we're even members of the same church. And neither one of us knew each other LOL!! It was the Physical Therapist we've been going to, who gave her my blog URL, that got us together. She promises that she'll be posting here, so hopefully she can make contact with others who have problems more similar to hers. My Neuropathy is most noticeable in my legs, although my hands and arms are involved, too. Hers is severe, but I'll leave it to her to explain it.

I noticed the nausea from the Requip about 11:00AM again yesterday, but a few crackers stopped it. I'm still getting sleepy at the wrong time, as I nodded off early last night watching TV, and I've been up since 4:00AM. Actually, I woke up a little after 3:00, but I made myself stay put, thinking I would go back to sleep. No such luck.

I can't tell any difference in my gait yet, but it may take a week or so before I would notice anything, anyway. I don't remember reading anything about how long it takes Requip to take effect, so I'll have to try to do some research on that.

Oh, remember when I was having so much trouble typing? That has definitely improved. It must have been the stress of dealing with Daddy that was making that worse. Parkinson's folks don't handle stress as well as others do. I still make more mistakes than I'd like, but nothing like it was for awhile there.

I've done my morning exercises, but we're still not walking at the track. Hubby's poison ivy is getting worse, not better, and he's so stubborn I can't get him to go to the doctor about it. So he's just slathering on the anti-itch medicines I already had in the house, and he's trying to stay cool.

Speaking of cool, my temperature regulator is all off whack. I'll have hot flashes one minute and be freezing the next. I'm putting my jacket on and pulling it off constantly!! This is a Parkies thing, too, so there's not much else I can do about it.

I'll spend the day today writing descriptions and finishing the pictures I took this morning, so I can put some new items on eBay tonight. DH has gone grocery shopping, a regular Wednesday morning routine of his, and a chance for him to stop and chat with his buddies. I guess that pretty well catches me up for the day. I hope you are having a good day, too.

Lots to Do Settling Daddy's Estate

This is the second time I've been the executor of an estate, but Daddy's is much more involved than Pop's was. Luckily, we have a niece who is a lawyer, so I'll have some help when I'm ready. I've tried researching what I need to do on the Internet, and I've been surprised at how little help I could find. Everything seems to be geared toward Estate Planning, rather than settling an estate.

April 15th is getting closer, too, and I've just not been up to dealing with important numbers. I did get a good start today, though. Starting is half the battle for me, as I find I've become quite the procrastinator in the last few years. I don't know if that's a sign of old age LOL, stress, or Parkinson's!

We walked again this morning, but I was slow as mud. I made it around for a half mile, using the walker. I've been using the walker all this week, but I depended on it more today, as I could feel the tightness in my shoulders when I stopped. That slow as mud feeling is the first Parkinson's symptom I had, so it's looking less and less like I'll be able to continue on just the Zelepar. The Neurologist told me I could go back on the Requip as well, if I felt like I had to. I've resisted, because the Requip gave me stomach troubles last time. Well, I had stomach trouble when I was on the Requip - that doesn't automatically mean the Requip was causing it. It's that uncertainty that has kept me trying to do without it. I'm just not ready to cope with stomach side effects yet. Maybe next week.

I taught 4th and 5th graders for 25 years, but I've seen the "Smarter than a Fifth Grader" TV show a couple of times since I've been back home. It's scary how much my mind goes blank on stuff I know I should know. I hope it's just remnants of caregiver burnout, and not the PD effecting my mental abilities. Stress can really do a number on such tasks, so I'm trying really hard to relax as much as I can. But getting things accomplished is part of what's needed to lower my stress level, too, so it's a matter of finding a balance, I guess.

I continue to be uplifted by all the loving comments. You all really are helping. Just a thought for you, if you need to send a sympathy card to someone. One of our friends included a neatly cut out copy of Daddy's Obituary notice in their card. It was very much appreciated.

Sleep? What's That???

I'm tired. I've reached the point that I'm too tired to sleep, even when I could. I have the Ambien CR, but the Neurologist doesn't want me taking it all the time.

Besides, I might not hear Daddy if I'm doped up. He's becoming very unpredictable as to his sleeping patterns. There have been some nights lately where he hallucinated much of the night, even clawing to take off his Depends and trying to climb over the bed rails. Other nights, he talks in his sleep. I've had several lengthy conversations with him in the middle of the night, where he never opens his eyes, and I can tell he's still asleep LOL! Other nights, he barely twitches a muscle, but stays in exactly the same place all night long. That's not good for his skin.

The lift has helped with the lack of strength problem tremendously (Daddy's and mine, too), and Daddy is accepting it without argument, thank goodness. He's also letting us feed him, which surprised me. I thought he'd balk, but I think he's beyond that. He still takes spells of hateful talk, but it doesn't happen too often any more. Frances heard it for the first time